88 days...

That is how long marine boot camp takes .. how long it takes to go from recruit to marine.  My sweet daughter participated in the US Marine Corps Delayed Entry program for her entire senior year of high school and this past weekend she swore in and stepped on those famous yellow steps at Parris Island and turned from poolee to recruit.  Now she is in pursuit of earning the coveted title of US Marine.

Earned.. Never Given

The next 88 days will be challenging and incredibly busy.... sending my sweet honey-girl never-ending love and prayers in support every day.

...my Valor essential oil roller will be close by at all times.  This bravery oil will help me focus and keep perspective.  My girl made a choice knowing the rigors and requirements of the toughest branch of the US Military forces.  If she can be brave ... so can I.... even if I will be counting the days until I see her again ;-) 

Season of change...

This summer has been busy and we are only in the beginning of July.

My daughter graduated from high school and went to New York for a senior trip with a friend.  They had a fantastic trip with a small hick up here and there.  They returned with big smiles, energized and full of the excitement that traveling to new places spur on.  Many has said to me that they could not let their daughter go of and do that alone ... but letting go of the reins is what we must do to let them grow, explore and start their independent adulthood - even when it is hard.   I guess I have the benefit of already having experienced her traveling away from home to attend a year of high school abroad.

My biggest challenge is yet to come though.  My rocking awesome girl has been a Poolee in the Marine DEP (Delayed Entry Program) over her senior year of high school.  This has meant extra PT once a week and every third Saturday of the month over the last twelve months.  When the Marine recruiter first called she was a uncertain but agreed to come in to hear more ... by the time she was leaving that first meeting, she was ready to sign-up.  We took the information home for a few days to discuss and digest .. this was new territory.  She enlisted in the DEP and has worked out hard for the last year.  Now we are standing on the threshold of letting her go and taking a big new step forward.  She leaves for boot camp on Sunday with swearing in ceremony on Monday.

I am so extremely proud of her even as my emotions are mixed with trepidation and sadness that I will not get to hear from her or see her over the next 13 weeks of bootcamp and also over events that may unfold over the next many years.  I know my girl is strong and I know she is excited for this challenge.  When she steps on those yellow footsteps and becomes a recruit on Monday, there is no going back.  I know that the Marines will break her down to build her back up and I know she will come back forever changed.  There is a myriad of emotions fighting in my heart - being proud that she is choosing to serve our great country is winning.

For the next few days I will be pouring on the love and hope that she will take every good memory of growing up, family time, senior year, New York fun and so much more with her in her heart to sustain her during the hard times in boot camp.  I love you honey girl ... so much more than you will ever know.  

The day I became a mother...

I love birthdays ...I especially love cake that accompany the celebration ;-)   Today my oldest son turns 20 ... yet I am deprived of cake as he has plans today!

We had a wonderful birthday lunch and did some fun birthday shopping earlier.  I got lots of hugs ... but I could easily have more!  Happy birthday Magnus ~ you bring me so much love and joy and I am so happy to be your mom.   I so clearly remember that first morning after you were born.  Marveling over your little fingers and toes.  Soaking in the bliss of a holding a newborn in my arms and being unable to take my eyes away from you.

I know from my studies in psychology and nursing that pregnancy and birth is one of those special times in our lives that we are most open to change and growth.  That moment a woman becomes a mother  ~ a man becomes a father ~ a family is born ~ is life changing in so many ways.  Your whole being now becomes about more than it ever was before ... I knew instantly that I wanted more children when the time was right.  Now reflecting back I realize how much I took for granted and how fortunate I am to have my four gorgeous kiddos and to have carried three extra special little ones too.

So today I will celebrate the joy I feel in my heart for my sweet birthday boy.  While the cake will have to wait for tomorrow ... I will spend the day remembering that sweet moment of holding my first born for the very first time while I ponder how exactly that was 20 years ago.  It makes me happy and sad all at the same time ... excited to see what the future holds and maybe a little sad to know that my little boy is all grown up with many plans of his own.

Today is for sure one where all the feelings are hitting in my soft spot and where I am keeping my bergamot and peppermint eo roller close by for a little emotional support boost.  But tomorrow ... tomorrow there will be cake!!!

It is May again...

To be a surrogate still fills me with such enormous joy and happiness and pain and sadness all at the same time.  And here it is May again and all the feels hits me right in the gut.  This year sweet N is turning double-digits .. hooray hooray .. sending you lots of happy birthday love.  And J .. my love for you is floating to the sky in soft blue balloons.

I celebrated N&J's birthday by helping another momma give birth.  What a joy and such sweetness to add to the memories of this very special day.  I am collecting as many positive memories on this day as I can to outweigh my sad ones.

Over the years I have gotten better at managing this acute stab that I feel in my heart whenever I think of a birthday that came to early.  Better at setting the wonder of what-ifs aside.  Better at crying maybe a little less as I ruminate in my heart and soul what I could and should have done different.  Learning and knowing from the experience gained from working labor and delivery that these events occur without forewarning and when least expected ...  yet it still hurts.  It reminds me that life is filled with unpredictability and to never take it for granted.  It reminds me that while time flies by and my children grow ever bigger, little footprints still remains so deeply and dearly imprinted in my heart.

I have so much to be grateful for and I am grateful every day.  Some days my heart just need a little time to be sad.  I know better how to handle it .. and yet sometime I just still suck at it.

Happy Birthday Boys!!

Mother's Day joy...

I love love love being a momma and I had a lovely mother's day this year.  Flowers, breakfast, surrounded by all my loves and a phone call with my own mom.  I am so lucky and my heart is filled with gratitude.

I also got to catch up with one special little girl and her family as well.  Miss V ~ you are so gorgeous and smart ... it was so amazing to speak with both you, your brother and your parents.  While we do not speak often, you truly are in my thoughts very frequently.  It was great to hear of your recent adventures and see the workings of your curious minds.. so much life to explore.  Endless opportunities.

My family and my role in making two other families makes my hear smile.

6 years later...

...it still hurts!  Tomorrow is May 13 ... It is N&Js birthday ~ it should not have been!  It was too early! I still think it is unfair, my heart still questions why, and it still hurts.   Yet it is one of the most important days of my life - it is one of my "birth" days and a day that will forever be edged in my heart, mind and soul.

My prayers as I go to bed tonight is that N is doing well.  I pray that tomorrow will be a fabulous day and he will be celebrated surrounded by love and family.  I pray for a happy tomorrow for his family even as I know it will also be bitter sweet.  I pray that the sun will warm J's resting place and that somehow they all know how much love is carried in my heart for all of them.

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 ~~ Happy birthday to you sweet boys ~~ 

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In these last couple of years, I have borne witness to many wonderful birthing moments.  Watched and cared for mothers, fathers, extended families and their sweet little newborns.  It is always such an honor to be present at a birth.  There is something so sacred and primal in watching the creation of a new family unfold ~ it is magical.  Sadly, I have also borne witness to loss, heartbreak, and seen the shattered pieces of what should have been a family left behind with questions that no one can answer.  Each time I feel my heart scarred by another little jagged edge and each time I hold my breath and remember....and then I move forward and provide the best care and compassion that I can to support these mothers, fathers and families as they stand of the threshold of a life they never imagined.  The loss of dreams, hopes, and family...and then the slow rebuilding and mending of the heart with beautiful scars along the edges representing the love and wonder of what might have been ...

Hip Hip Hooray ~ Miss V is 5 today...

Time flies ... sweet little miss V is turning 5 today - how did that happen!!!!

Wishing a sweet girl a very happy birthday...and birthday wishes to big brother K as well.

I am working on cleaning out old files on my computer this morning and I came across a few pictures of V from when she was very little .. just about the same age as Zola is now.  So cute!!!  Surrogacy is so amazing.  It is truly such a fabulous thing to know that I had a part in creating another family.  I love when I hear and get pictures from them ~ it just makes my heart smile.