As one gets older the circle and fragility of life becomes ever more present (...and sure with Rio working in health care and holding people's hearts in his hands daily does have an impact too). The reality of mortality slowly creeps into ones thoughts ~ when I was young it was easy to think that people "would be there forever" but as I age that reality seems to retreat a bit too quickly for my liking. The last five years have brought forth the beauty and gift of life with the birth of V and N&J as well as a few of my favorite nephews! But it has also brought the sadness of many goodbyes ... specifically my father and more recently, and much to prematurely, little J.
Loss is hard. It is one of the coldest realities of life...at some point it will end. If anything, the passing of little J has reminded me not to take anything for granted. I still find myself doing it though ~ it truly takes a commitment to live every day purposefully and let the "small stuff" go. Since my birthday, I find myself thinking about J again very often. I am not sure what it is but he is just in my thoughts a lot. I wonder why he had was unfortunate to get NEC and I still wonder why a pregnancy that was so perfect could so drastically change without forewarning...it is a little heart ache that continually lingers.
Having my own children and being a surrogate have really changed me in so many ways. Being able to give something of myself to someone else has been so incredible...My heart has grown a few more heart strings and my love is extended to two beautiful little children and a sweet sweet angel.
The last few years I have felt a tug on my heart to do "more" .... I am not really sure yet what that "more" is, but I know that being a surrogate has really made me re-evaluate what I want to do with my life "when I grow up." Turning 37 was really a catalyst and it has got my wheels turning ... what to do ~ what to do .. so many things so little time!!
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