Quiet contemplation...

I am 10 weeks out from delivering little N&J.  During this time I have been through an intense range of emotions.  Unhappiness and happiness, sadness and incredible joy, loneliness while not truly alone, grief so intense that I did not feel like I could be breathe and the feeling that no one truly understands what I have gone through....and for sure it is a complicated situation.

Many thoughts have been rumbling around in my mind for so long but it seems like they are finally starting to quiet down and I can see the proverbial sun after the rain.  Awesome little N has gone home and I am incredible thankful that he is growing and doing well.  It has been 10 scary weeks and the NICU reality is something I wish no mother would ever have to experience.  The loss of little J makes me incredible sad and my tears are still here.  He was so wished for and wanted.  Many hopes and dreams came alive with my positive pregnancy test and the excitement and anticipation of two little sweet boys to love grew along with my protruding belly in the ensuing months of my pregnancy.  So many prayers were said for him and N after their early arrival and we all so intensely just wanted them both to breathe, eat and grow.  Sadly like a rainbow after the rain, J only blessed our lives with his presence for very brief period of time  The loss continues to be raw and I miss him and the fact that he will never go home to his family who wanted him so much ... instead little N will always have a guardian angel.

For last many weeks I have been dealing with the reality of a pregnancy gone awry in an instant.  I have questioned myself and been very hard on myself searching for a reason, any reason, and checking and double checking if I did something wrong to cause the outcome of my pregnancy ... but the answer is still the same - I do not know how come it all happen the way it did or why this pregnancy came to an end so abruptly.  While I still feel much regret for not being able to carry and keep L&J's little twin boys safe longer than I did, I am beginning to let go of the guilt and accept that I had no control over what happened.  I will always be sad about little J but I will also be grateful for the experience of carrying those two little sweet boys below my heart.  Now that N is home it seems to be getting easier... I know that I did a good thing helping L&J complete their family.

The last few years of my life have changed me in so many ways.  Being a surrogate has been such blessing to me ~ surrogacy is truly a miraculous thing.  I have had the opportunity to bring the joy of children to two lovely couples, to forge some incredible friendships and to bring three beautiful babies into this world.  Two amazing children are home with their families and one sweet angel soars in heaven.  Giving the gift of life is such an intensely beautiful feeling ... and although sometimes everything does not go as planned, life is a miracle all the same.