Confused...

It has now been over ten days since I last heard from L.  I am confused, disappointed and a bit upset - I am not sure why she is not responding to me.  I have sent several text messages, e-mails, and left a couple of voice-mail messages for her .. but nothing in return.  This makes me so incredible sad .. I am so worried that something could be wrong and I just don't know what to do.

I am particular confused because they expressed interest and gratefulness for me continuing to pump breastmilk for little N ... my freezer is getting pretty full and I will soon need to make a decision on what to do with all the milk.  As I am not getting any response from L, I have decided to turn in the pump at the end of the month so from here on out, I am slowly stepping down my pumping schedule and duration of my pumping time.  I am still hopeful that she will be back touch soon ... even if it is only to arrange for the shipment of milk.

In addition to my contact attempts, I also sent her a very special gift - a beautiful necklace with all of her "baby feet".  I really hope she likes it ... although I may never know!

In any surrogacy journey, the relationship is based on trust.  I trusted they would keep in contact but I know full well that it is their sole prerogative to decide if that contact will continue post birth.  They are the parents of beautiful little N and they are responsible for making all the important decisions for him.

It is very difficult when a journey does not end the way everyone hoped for.  My premature delivery has caused so much heartache and sadness for everyone.  I am trying very hard to not have the feeling of responsibility for this situation overwhelm me again...I am trying to see the good in my journey and appreciate the good moments and special time in my life where I carried two sweet little boys within me... I will admit that right now it is very hard when I have no idea of how little N is doing.

I know in my heart, that even if I will never know through pictures and contact, that N will cherished and loved beyond measure.  I know that as parents L&J will be wonderful and give him everything in life that he deserves.  He is blessed with a wonderful family and this brings me comfort even if I will never know any specifics about him.

It is a sad reality for many surrogates that promised contact will not come to fruition.  Far too often contact ceases after birth and many of us never hear news of the little ones we helped put on this earth.  It will take some time, but if this is how my journey is supposed to end, then I will come to peace with this reality ... I will forever carry both N&J in my heart and think about them and love them afar - I will always believe in my little part of creating a great big miracle. 

Regardless of what life brings, I am so incredible thankful for my both of my sets of intended parents.  They have brought beauty and an incredible feeling of humbleness to my life.

Like the saying goes ...if you love someone, set them free, if they come back they are yours, if they don't they never truly were...  as such I will set my relationship with L&J free and hope someday, somewhere that we will come full circle and I again will hear news of the sweet little boy who rested below my heart.  I hope that someday I will share a beautiful moment in time with L&J and hear the stories of little N's growing up.

Right now I am just grateful and forever thankful to M&M for sharing their life with me, for the wonderful gift of staying connected and providing sweet glimpses into the life of a very special little girl.