Day 2...

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life and I am still struggling today to reconcile my rational thoughts with my emotional feelings. Giving birth so early was just not something I ever had thought would happen to me. With any pregnancy your dreams always surround this beautiful baby that will arrive at the end of a full term pregnancy...the dreams are never about things going astray.

My heart and every ounce of my body wishes that I could have kept them protected inside of me for so much longer than I did. They are both so incredible small and it is so hard for me to see them in their little bassinets in the NICU when I know they should be growing strong inside my belly instead.

I know there is nothing I did wrong or could have done differently to prevent their early arrival and I feel very thankful for Dr. S who time out of his day to go the event of yesterday with me and reassuring that I was not fault for this early delivery but that it just one of those unfortunate events that is beyond our control. Still it feels like I fell short.

I have been to visit the babies four times today - it was so good to see them. Going through the c-section, hearing what was going on but never seeing the babies was hard. All the medicine and anesthetic that I had on board made everything a bit hazy and this all seemed to progress so quickly and then they were born and whisked away to be cared for.

They are doing well for their gestational age but I must say that it is still so difficult seeing them in the little bassinets hooked up to all these monitors.

I am so thankful that L&J are here to watch over their babies. I can only imagine the shock of receiving my text message coming off the plane that they little boys are about to be born via c-section - it was not the message that I would ever have wanted to send to them. They have been wonderful to me through this and they are so calm. I know that at some level they must be as disappointed in my body as I am - it is just hard to let go of that feeling right now.

But today I am thankful that the babies are doing well and I am prayerful that they will grow big and strong. I am pumping and pumping to stimulate my milk production. I am getting a little colostrum at each pumping but not much yet. I hope that soon I will have lot of milk to help nourish them. Grow babies Grow!