Today I left the hospital to go home ... I felt so empty walking out through those doors knowing that little N&J will be there for a long time to come. It is just so wrong...they should be in my belly snug like bugs and instead they now have a fight ahead of them. I pray that they stay feisty and keep growing stronger every day.
I feel so lost in how all this could happen so quickly...like control of my body just slipped away like sand between my fingers. With all my heart, I wish that I could go back to Friday morning and wake up without any worries - but since I cannot, I will instead focus on what I can do to hopefully help make a difference...and I can pump milk.
I pray that my body will allow me do this to help nourish the boys and let them grow strong. I have been pumping consistently about every 3 hours since the evening they were born. My output has been a bit slow going as my body was not quite ready to make milk yet. I was told to expect it to take about 50 -72 hours post delivery for my milk to come in. Thankfully I have gotten a fair amount of colostrum for the babies and hopefully consistency will pay off and my milk supply will be well established soon. I left enough colostrum/pre-milk at the hospital to keep the boys feed through Wednesday. By then I hope to have lots more frozen milk to bring up for them to eat.
Before I left today, I talked to the lactation consultant about good dietary "rules" to go by specifically when pumping for preemies. She gave me some suggestions and ideas of things to look at and research. I hope to make some good fattening and nutritious milk to help the babies grow big and strong.
Off to bed now for a few hours of sleep before the next round of pumping...just called the hospital and N&J are having a good night..thank goodness!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Day 2...
Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life and I am still struggling today to reconcile my rational thoughts with my emotional feelings. Giving birth so early was just not something I ever had thought would happen to me. With any pregnancy your dreams always surround this beautiful baby that will arrive at the end of a full term pregnancy...the dreams are never about things going astray.
My heart and every ounce of my body wishes that I could have kept them protected inside of me for so much longer than I did. They are both so incredible small and it is so hard for me to see them in their little bassinets in the NICU when I know they should be growing strong inside my belly instead.
I know there is nothing I did wrong or could have done differently to prevent their early arrival and I feel very thankful for Dr. S who time out of his day to go the event of yesterday with me and reassuring that I was not fault for this early delivery but that it just one of those unfortunate events that is beyond our control. Still it feels like I fell short.
I have been to visit the babies four times today - it was so good to see them. Going through the c-section, hearing what was going on but never seeing the babies was hard. All the medicine and anesthetic that I had on board made everything a bit hazy and this all seemed to progress so quickly and then they were born and whisked away to be cared for.
They are doing well for their gestational age but I must say that it is still so difficult seeing them in the little bassinets hooked up to all these monitors.
I am so thankful that L&J are here to watch over their babies. I can only imagine the shock of receiving my text message coming off the plane that they little boys are about to be born via c-section - it was not the message that I would ever have wanted to send to them. They have been wonderful to me through this and they are so calm. I know that at some level they must be as disappointed in my body as I am - it is just hard to let go of that feeling right now.
But today I am thankful that the babies are doing well and I am prayerful that they will grow big and strong. I am pumping and pumping to stimulate my milk production. I am getting a little colostrum at each pumping but not much yet. I hope that soon I will have lot of milk to help nourish them. Grow babies Grow!
My heart and every ounce of my body wishes that I could have kept them protected inside of me for so much longer than I did. They are both so incredible small and it is so hard for me to see them in their little bassinets in the NICU when I know they should be growing strong inside my belly instead.
I know there is nothing I did wrong or could have done differently to prevent their early arrival and I feel very thankful for Dr. S who time out of his day to go the event of yesterday with me and reassuring that I was not fault for this early delivery but that it just one of those unfortunate events that is beyond our control. Still it feels like I fell short.
I have been to visit the babies four times today - it was so good to see them. Going through the c-section, hearing what was going on but never seeing the babies was hard. All the medicine and anesthetic that I had on board made everything a bit hazy and this all seemed to progress so quickly and then they were born and whisked away to be cared for.
They are doing well for their gestational age but I must say that it is still so difficult seeing them in the little bassinets hooked up to all these monitors.
I am so thankful that L&J are here to watch over their babies. I can only imagine the shock of receiving my text message coming off the plane that they little boys are about to be born via c-section - it was not the message that I would ever have wanted to send to them. They have been wonderful to me through this and they are so calm. I know that at some level they must be as disappointed in my body as I am - it is just hard to let go of that feeling right now.
But today I am thankful that the babies are doing well and I am prayerful that they will grow big and strong. I am pumping and pumping to stimulate my milk production. I am getting a little colostrum at each pumping but not much yet. I hope that soon I will have lot of milk to help nourish them. Grow babies Grow!
Babies...
Happy Birthday Boys ~ Friday May 13, 2011 ~ this day will be etched in my heart forever.
Baby A (little N) was born at 17:45 PM weighing in at 2 lbs 1.2 oz
Baby B (little J) was born at 17:46 PM weighing in at 2 lbs 7 oz.
Baby A (little N) was born at 17:45 PM weighing in at 2 lbs 1.2 oz
Baby B (little J) was born at 17:46 PM weighing in at 2 lbs 7 oz.
All wrong...
My heart is trying to reconcile wrong and right ... and let me tell you that it is dang hard. How can everything be going so right and then BAM ... a 180 degree turn and things are heading down the total wrong path.
This last week was a great week - I felt great, the babies were moving lots - I ate well and got plenty of rest. But Thursday will be a day that I will relive in thoughts over and over again wondering if I had just done something different maybe Friday would not have turned like it did.
Thursday I got the house ready for pictures but made sure to take plenty of breaks as the photographer was not scheduled until 4PM. At 6 PM I took Sebastian to T-ball practice and had two parents help out with practice, and then I took Magnus to his sports physical .. not really a day with anything out of the ordinary. But now I am trying to replay the day over and over in my head to see if I should have done something differently .. but I cannot come up with anything and it makes me feel so powerless.
After we came back from Magnus' sports physical, I did feel a couple of braxton hicks contractions that felt a bit odd - but again not anything to make me worried. I thought maybe I had not drank enough water as it had been a somewhat busy day. So I drank some extra water and sat down while cooking and then headed to the couch after we had dinner. I went to bed early about 10ish and although I did wake up quite a bit to go the bathroom, I figured this was directly related to all the extra water I drank before going to bed.
At 5 AM I woke up with a contraction - it felt somewhat out of the ordinary. I went to the bathroom but fluids were clear and no mess on the paper. I went back to bed to just sit and decided that I was going to call Dr. E's office just to get her thoughts on the contractions. Well at about 6 AM, I went back to the bathroom and there was blood in the bowl and more when I wiped. And I got scared....quickly I called the hospital and asked what I should do and they said for me to come in. I woke up the kids and I am so proud of my two big ones as they worked together to get Sebastian ready for school, and get the dogs feed and walked and everyone on the bus in time without me home.
Before it was 7AM, I was heading to the hospital and had called L&J to let them know what was going on as well. I felt a couple of more contractions but nothing that seemed major and I did not attribute it to real labor contractions just yet. When I got to the hospital, I was hooked up to the contraction monitor and had an ultrasound. At this time the babies both looked good, their bags of waters were intact and the placentas looked good and they were trying to determine the cause of bleeding. I was given Magnesium to stop the contractions and a steroid shot to help mature the babies lungs in the event of early delivery. A million thoughts were running through my head but mostly that this is way to early for these babies to make their arrival. I was feeling a bit off due to the Magnesium and trying to get my bearings on everything going on - it just seemed so surreal.
My contractions slowed somewhat down from the Magnesium but they did not stop. A decision was made to transfer me to Emanual Hospital in Portland as they have a NICU capable of handling preemies ... I still did not think we were going to have babies. But of I went in an ambulance with full siren - it all felt very surreal. By this time L&J had decided to fly up which was incredible comforting to know - I think we all hoped that labor would be stalled and I would go on bedrest...unfortunately that is not what happened. I arrived at Emanuel and more ultrasounds and evaluations were done. I was given a stronger dose of Magnesium but it still do not stop the contractions. The the babies still looked good and I guess I still hoping that this was not it. I was not ready for this to be over and for these little boys to be born... but I began to feel sick and like I had to throw up and I knew this was a tell tale sign of being close to transition to me. Shortly there after the doctors did a speculum exam and it was confirmed that Baby A's bag water was bulging through my fully dialated cervix and that delivery would be happening soon.
L&J were on the flight at this time and it was so hard for me to send them the text message telling them that we were prepping for C-section. I know that was the message that they wanted to see first thing when they got off the plane. At this time, I felt so out of it, so disappointed in my own body and everything was just moving so fast.
I was prepped for the c-section and I just could not stop crying. Baby A's placenta had started to abrupt which is not a good thing and delivery was the only option. But still it just seemed all wrong. And although the doctors all told me that it not my fault and there was nothing I did to cause this to happen, it is still hard not to feel a loss of something gone wrong.
I am not ready to not be pregnant anymore. I am not ready to not feel these little baby boys move around in my belly. It is hard having some end too soon... and I know that I will be dealing with all these emotions for while to come.
This last week was a great week - I felt great, the babies were moving lots - I ate well and got plenty of rest. But Thursday will be a day that I will relive in thoughts over and over again wondering if I had just done something different maybe Friday would not have turned like it did.
Thursday I got the house ready for pictures but made sure to take plenty of breaks as the photographer was not scheduled until 4PM. At 6 PM I took Sebastian to T-ball practice and had two parents help out with practice, and then I took Magnus to his sports physical .. not really a day with anything out of the ordinary. But now I am trying to replay the day over and over in my head to see if I should have done something differently .. but I cannot come up with anything and it makes me feel so powerless.
After we came back from Magnus' sports physical, I did feel a couple of braxton hicks contractions that felt a bit odd - but again not anything to make me worried. I thought maybe I had not drank enough water as it had been a somewhat busy day. So I drank some extra water and sat down while cooking and then headed to the couch after we had dinner. I went to bed early about 10ish and although I did wake up quite a bit to go the bathroom, I figured this was directly related to all the extra water I drank before going to bed.
At 5 AM I woke up with a contraction - it felt somewhat out of the ordinary. I went to the bathroom but fluids were clear and no mess on the paper. I went back to bed to just sit and decided that I was going to call Dr. E's office just to get her thoughts on the contractions. Well at about 6 AM, I went back to the bathroom and there was blood in the bowl and more when I wiped. And I got scared....quickly I called the hospital and asked what I should do and they said for me to come in. I woke up the kids and I am so proud of my two big ones as they worked together to get Sebastian ready for school, and get the dogs feed and walked and everyone on the bus in time without me home.
Before it was 7AM, I was heading to the hospital and had called L&J to let them know what was going on as well. I felt a couple of more contractions but nothing that seemed major and I did not attribute it to real labor contractions just yet. When I got to the hospital, I was hooked up to the contraction monitor and had an ultrasound. At this time the babies both looked good, their bags of waters were intact and the placentas looked good and they were trying to determine the cause of bleeding. I was given Magnesium to stop the contractions and a steroid shot to help mature the babies lungs in the event of early delivery. A million thoughts were running through my head but mostly that this is way to early for these babies to make their arrival. I was feeling a bit off due to the Magnesium and trying to get my bearings on everything going on - it just seemed so surreal.
My contractions slowed somewhat down from the Magnesium but they did not stop. A decision was made to transfer me to Emanual Hospital in Portland as they have a NICU capable of handling preemies ... I still did not think we were going to have babies. But of I went in an ambulance with full siren - it all felt very surreal. By this time L&J had decided to fly up which was incredible comforting to know - I think we all hoped that labor would be stalled and I would go on bedrest...unfortunately that is not what happened. I arrived at Emanuel and more ultrasounds and evaluations were done. I was given a stronger dose of Magnesium but it still do not stop the contractions. The the babies still looked good and I guess I still hoping that this was not it. I was not ready for this to be over and for these little boys to be born... but I began to feel sick and like I had to throw up and I knew this was a tell tale sign of being close to transition to me. Shortly there after the doctors did a speculum exam and it was confirmed that Baby A's bag water was bulging through my fully dialated cervix and that delivery would be happening soon.
L&J were on the flight at this time and it was so hard for me to send them the text message telling them that we were prepping for C-section. I know that was the message that they wanted to see first thing when they got off the plane. At this time, I felt so out of it, so disappointed in my own body and everything was just moving so fast.
I was prepped for the c-section and I just could not stop crying. Baby A's placenta had started to abrupt which is not a good thing and delivery was the only option. But still it just seemed all wrong. And although the doctors all told me that it not my fault and there was nothing I did to cause this to happen, it is still hard not to feel a loss of something gone wrong.
I am not ready to not be pregnant anymore. I am not ready to not feel these little baby boys move around in my belly. It is hard having some end too soon... and I know that I will be dealing with all these emotions for while to come.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Carrying twins...
I have so far been blessed with a great pregnancy and I continue to feel physically well. However, carrying twins is definitely a different ball game than carrying a singleton...well I guess it could be that I am getting older as well - but we will discount that fact ;-)
Fatigue is pretty much a constant companion. I am much more tired and find myself resting a lot - I suppose that this could also be the result from interrupted sleet and waking up to go to the bathroom 3 to 4 times each night! In any event, I am very much alert to when my body tells me to stop and relax and then making sure that I sit/lay down for a bit. I do not want to take any chances on bringing on any pre-term labor by doing too much and extra rest is always good when pregnant - these babes requires lots of energy for growing big and strong.
I am now approaching the third trimester and the point in pregnancy that the babies will really begin packing on the weight. I can tell that my belly is getting heavier and it is filled out .. it will be exciting to see how big it will get. The stretching of my round ligaments around the lower part of my belly can be quite uncomfortable - like a sharp twitch that will stop you in your tracks to catch your breath. My groin muscles are also beginning to feel the extra pressure from above ... and lets not even talk about my bladder which I am sure is the size of a flatten out pancake at this time causing me to go to the bathroom a million times a day or so it seems!
I am trying to not let the stress get to me as I know this can complicate things and what we do not need is complications!!! However, with our upcoming move, home purchase and sale, and the craziness of being "single-mom" with three kiddos and two dogs, it would be untruthful to say that there is not the occasional challenging day...but we manage and I just take it one day at the time.
I am so thankful for having an opportunity to once again help complete a family - it is truly such a special experience. The other day I stopped by to visit with M&M and little Miss Violet - it touches my heart each time I see M&M embrace parenthood and to see how big their sweet little girl is getting. She is so adorable .. signing and talking up a storm and is just in the "go-mode" of being a toddler.
Becoming a parent is such a life changing event. I pray everyday that I am guiding my children right and although that as parent I know I make plenty of mistakes - I hope that all the good times makes up for all the imperfections in life. I love being a mom and I cannot image a life without my children. I am so blessed!
Fatigue is pretty much a constant companion. I am much more tired and find myself resting a lot - I suppose that this could also be the result from interrupted sleet and waking up to go to the bathroom 3 to 4 times each night! In any event, I am very much alert to when my body tells me to stop and relax and then making sure that I sit/lay down for a bit. I do not want to take any chances on bringing on any pre-term labor by doing too much and extra rest is always good when pregnant - these babes requires lots of energy for growing big and strong.
I am now approaching the third trimester and the point in pregnancy that the babies will really begin packing on the weight. I can tell that my belly is getting heavier and it is filled out .. it will be exciting to see how big it will get. The stretching of my round ligaments around the lower part of my belly can be quite uncomfortable - like a sharp twitch that will stop you in your tracks to catch your breath. My groin muscles are also beginning to feel the extra pressure from above ... and lets not even talk about my bladder which I am sure is the size of a flatten out pancake at this time causing me to go to the bathroom a million times a day or so it seems!
I am trying to not let the stress get to me as I know this can complicate things and what we do not need is complications!!! However, with our upcoming move, home purchase and sale, and the craziness of being "single-mom" with three kiddos and two dogs, it would be untruthful to say that there is not the occasional challenging day...but we manage and I just take it one day at the time.
I am so thankful for having an opportunity to once again help complete a family - it is truly such a special experience. The other day I stopped by to visit with M&M and little Miss Violet - it touches my heart each time I see M&M embrace parenthood and to see how big their sweet little girl is getting. She is so adorable .. signing and talking up a storm and is just in the "go-mode" of being a toddler.
Becoming a parent is such a life changing event. I pray everyday that I am guiding my children right and although that as parent I know I make plenty of mistakes - I hope that all the good times makes up for all the imperfections in life. I love being a mom and I cannot image a life without my children. I am so blessed!
Monday, May 9, 2011
100 Days...
Today is Day 181 of my pregnancy which means that there is exactly 100 days left to my full term due date of August 16, 2011. I have been incredible blessed to be able to carry these two little boys snuggled deep within me.
The babies are growing and so is my belly...fatigue has been more of a constant companion in this pregnancy - much more so than in my other ones - but this is common when carrying twins. I feel incredibly fortunate that we are almost to end of the second trimester without any problems...just one more week and I enter the third trimester.
In the beginning, the prospect of carrying twins was a little scary. A twin pregnancy can progress very differently than a singleton but really with any pregnancy there are risks. It has been a very unique opportunity to follow the growth of these little ones as I seem them on ultrasound at every OB appointment. It is amazing to see the changes in growth and development from month to month. They are now making their presence know with kicks and love quite often. As I know the general placement for each of them, I can tell who is kicking when - for the most part anyway. They are active but not quite as active as little miss V was. Actually I thought I would feel them more given there are two .. but maybe they are running out of room!
Here is to 100 more days of twinkie growing and feeling good to the end!
The babies are growing and so is my belly...fatigue has been more of a constant companion in this pregnancy - much more so than in my other ones - but this is common when carrying twins. I feel incredibly fortunate that we are almost to end of the second trimester without any problems...just one more week and I enter the third trimester.
In the beginning, the prospect of carrying twins was a little scary. A twin pregnancy can progress very differently than a singleton but really with any pregnancy there are risks. It has been a very unique opportunity to follow the growth of these little ones as I seem them on ultrasound at every OB appointment. It is amazing to see the changes in growth and development from month to month. They are now making their presence know with kicks and love quite often. As I know the general placement for each of them, I can tell who is kicking when - for the most part anyway. They are active but not quite as active as little miss V was. Actually I thought I would feel them more given there are two .. but maybe they are running out of room!
Here is to 100 more days of twinkie growing and feeling good to the end!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day 2011...
This is the first Mother's Day that Rio has not been here to celebrate with me since we have had Magnus...he did send me some beautiful roses and a card which says: "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother" - melted my heart!
I feel so fortunate and incredibly lucky to be a mother. I have three beautiful, wonderful and loving children and they mean the world to me. I love them so much and although parenthood can be a challenge - they make me want to be a better person.
This year's Mother's Day is extra special as I once again am carrying something very special below my hearth. Being a surrogate provides a unique opportunity to bring motherhood to another person and that is such a privilege. I will always carry these children in my heart and am sure that this day will always bring fond reminders of a very special time in my life.
M - I wish you a lovely day with Violet ... she is such a cutie pie!
L - I wish you a restful day with your mother and your children ... next year for sure will be a lot busier for you all!
For my mom - Jeg elsker dig!! Haaber du har harft en fantastisk god dag. Knus!
I feel so fortunate and incredibly lucky to be a mother. I have three beautiful, wonderful and loving children and they mean the world to me. I love them so much and although parenthood can be a challenge - they make me want to be a better person.
This year's Mother's Day is extra special as I once again am carrying something very special below my hearth. Being a surrogate provides a unique opportunity to bring motherhood to another person and that is such a privilege. I will always carry these children in my heart and am sure that this day will always bring fond reminders of a very special time in my life.
M - I wish you a lovely day with Violet ... she is such a cutie pie!
L - I wish you a restful day with your mother and your children ... next year for sure will be a lot busier for you all!
For my mom - Jeg elsker dig!! Haaber du har harft en fantastisk god dag. Knus!
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