Friday, May 12, 2017

6 years later... still hurts!  Tomorrow is May 13 ... It is N&Js birthday ~ it should not have been!  It was too early! I still think it is unfair, my heart still questions why, and it still hurts.   Yet it is one of the most important days of my life - it is one of my "birth" days and a day that will forever be edged in my heart, mind and soul.

My prayers as I go to bed tonight is that N is doing well.  I pray that tomorrow will be a fabulous day and he will be celebrated surrounded by love and family.  I pray for a happy tomorrow for his family even as I know it will also be bitter sweet.  I pray that the sun will warm J's resting place and that somehow they all know how much love is carried in my heart for all of them.

 ~~ Happy birthday to you sweet boys ~~ 

In these last couple of years, I have borne witness to many wonderful birthing moments.  Watched and cared for mothers, fathers, extended families and their sweet little newborns.  It is always such an honor to be present at a birth.  There is something so sacred and primal in watching the creation of a new family unfold ~ it is magical.  Sadly, I have also borne witness to loss, heartbreak, and seen the shattered pieces of what should have been a family left behind with questions that no one can answer.  Each time I feel my heart scarred by another little jagged edge and each time I hold my breath and remember....and then I move forward and provide the best care and compassion that I can to support these mothers, fathers and families as they stand of the threshold of a life they never imagined.  The loss of dreams, hopes, and family...and then the slow rebuilding and mending of the heart with beautiful scars along the edges representing the love and wonder of what might have been ...