Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Quick school update...

I just want to shout it again ... I LOVE nursing school!!!  ....and I will love getting done in another five short weeks.  This has been one heck of a journey to travel through and I know that I have grown and stretched myself in so many directions over these last couple of years.

I am so enjoying my clinical in the NICU - I know my heart are with caring for the babies and I hope that I will be able to find work in this field after graduation.

Currently we are about half way through with summer term and I am working on getting papers and assignments out of the way.  There is so much reading to get done and once done there is always more to learn.  I love it!  But I am tired mentally and on my clinical days I leave with minimal energy to do more homework after at 12 1/2 hour day in the hospital.

The experiences that I am having in the NICU are amazing and challenging.  Everyday I am reminded of what my sweet baby looks like right now and how much assistance she would still need if she were to arrive at the present moment.  Everyday I am thankful for another day of keeping her safe in my belly.

I feel so privileged in my rotation to work with great nurses and have wonderful support from clinical faculty for my learning and progression in school.  I have learned so much and still I know there is a mountain of more knowledge and skills to gain.  Small steps will make big for now I just get moving forward.

I am almost a nurse .... five more weeks of school and then the NCLEX exam.  I can do this ... I feel fantastic doing this :-) 

Getting ready...

In less than 50 days I will get to meet my sweet baby.  Clothes are washed, crib is ready, baby bag is packed and most of my hospital bag is packed as well.  Both bags are sitting in the car seat in our room .. just in case Rio needs to grab them and come to Portland at an unexpected time.  It makes me so excited that everything is mostly ready to greet our new little one.

...Only most ready...I pray for her to stay put for at least another 5 weeks until I finish school.  I have clinical rotation scheduled through the 21st of August so at a minimum she needs to stay put until then.  I am working hard on getting papers and assignments out of the way these days just in case I need to wrap things up quickly.  While in one breath I cannot wait to hold and snuggle my baby girl, in another I want to slow time down.  Slow it down to really enjoy feeling her movements and the magic of growing another baby inside me.  There is nothing like being pregnant and I have love every pregnancy that I have been fortunate enough to carry .. it truly is such a privilege to grow another tiny human 

There is no feeling quite like that of a baby below your heart.  It is so special to me and I am cherishing every moment with her in my belly.  Expecting another baby for our family has been a journey of healing for me - one that I did not realize I needed.  I am constantly taking aback by the very strong love and longing that I have for this child and while the pregnancy has been filled with some emotional ups and downs and worry because of my pregnancy with N&J,  the happiness I feel in my heart is soothing my soul to infinity. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

29 weeks along today...

Baby girl is kicking up a storm in there.  I love feeling her move, roll and kick - it is so life affirming and I am enjoying every bit of it.  She is a very active little girl and while she has some long stretches of rest during the daytime, I feel her bounce around all night long :-)

This week while in the NICU, I was holding a preterm twin for a feeding.  He was such a sweet little boy and as I held him on my lap, she was kicking up a storm toward the firmness from holding the little one.

My clinical rotation is going wonderfully.  I have done 6 12 hour shifts at this point and have loved every single one of them.  It is such a great learning experience.  While the days are long, I feel like I have ample time to sit down to chart and get off my feet for a bit of rest.  I have purchased a pregnancy support belt as well and that helps with keeping some stress of my lower back when standing for long stretches at the time.

The next few weeks will be extremely busy with school as I have a lot of clinical days and extra things scheduled at school.  I will only get to see my kiddos for a very short weekend this coming weekend so I will miss them bunches.  But!!!!  I am almost done with nursing school and that means I am almost back home full time again....I cannot wait to wake up with my kids every single day to hug and love em!!!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Letting go...

A few weeks ago I picked up a book of daily devotions .. casually flipping the pages I landed on something I really needed to read.  It was about letting go of past hurts and not continually reliving sad memories.  And I knew instantly that was a message I needed to receive right at that moment.

Some of my struggles in this pregnancy, and over the last several years, have been related to the early birth of the twins and loss of little J.  The justice of the loss and fragility of life.  It makes me so sad to think about the events of three years ago and the fact that I never hear news of N, keeps me wondering and hoping that he is ok.

I bought that little book the day I read the passage.  Several of the daily inspirations since then have surrounded similar topics .. letting go, moving forward, refocusing etc.  I needed to hear them all.  I needed somehow to be reminded that it is ok for me to let go.  That it is alright to move on.  It is ok to honor the sadness and carry it in my heart.... but it is also time for me to make that conscious effort to close that door and let the main focus from that time be on the sweet memories of a beautiful friendship, the feelings of two babies bouncing around in my belly, the memory of holding little J close to my heart, and of seeing N off to the airport to fly home with his momma.

The other night I sent off an email to L and while she may never read it, it was important for me to write it.  To tell her that I think about them and miss hearing from them but also that it would be the last time that I would write or initiate contact.  It is hard to let go of the promise that was made to me of staying in touch but I also know that not doing so may be their way of letting go.  Still I truly hope that maybe some day our paths will cross once again.  At the same time it feels freeing to allow myself to step out and away from the shadow that has been hanging over my head for so long.  The feelings of the internal turmoil of my heart of wondering why and what I did wrong, and so wanting to have that pregnancy end differently and for two sweet boys to be with their parents .. rationally I know that nothing I did caused the events to happen the way they did but reconciling emotion with knowledge is hard.

Going through the last few months of my pregnancy has been such a mix of extreme joy and happiness and living with the fear and anxiety of "what if it happens again."  With the months of May and June bringing memory dates not only for the loss of my father, the loss of the pregnancy and the twins' birth and yet another Friday the 13th, and then the loss of J... it also brought the passing of my 26week +3 day mark of this pregnancy.  And a sweet relief flooded my heart....I made it past that day .. I made it past that day in my pregnancy.  Every new day - every new week of growing baby girl in my belly is a victory in my book.  I pray that she will stay put for a good while longer.

Time has come and I know I need to move forward and let go of some of my past hurts.  It does mean that I will ever forget but only that I am choosing to fully embrace this joy of sweet baby love without feeling loaded down with guilt of not being able to carry two sweet twinkie boys term.  I did something good even if it events did not go perfect.  My intentions were pure and I know in my heart that I loved those sweet boys (and still do) the best that I could.

It is time for me to fully embrace this happiness and the pure joy that this baby girl represent for me.  Words cannot describe how intense my feelings and emotions are for this little babe .. I just love her so much.  I have three beautiful, incredible and wonderful children and I never dreamt that I would feel this way again.  This strong longing for a sweet baby makes me feel ever so vulnerable and happy at the same time.  I am giving myself permission to let go, to refocus and embrace the open door for a brand new and changed future from the one I previously envisioned.  A new baby changes everything and I know this little one has changed mine.  I saw her today on a growth scan - her little perfect heart beating away and her feet kicking me as she moved around.  She is growing and is estimated at 2 lbs 2 oz and everything is looking really good with her ... a little sweetheart with so much power to change lives.