Letting go...

A few weeks ago I picked up a book of daily devotions .. casually flipping the pages I landed on something I really needed to read.  It was about letting go of past hurts and not continually reliving sad memories.  And I knew instantly that was a message I needed to receive right at that moment.

Some of my struggles in this pregnancy, and over the last several years, have been related to the early birth of the twins and loss of little J.  The justice of the loss and fragility of life.  It makes me so sad to think about the events of three years ago and the fact that I never hear news of N, keeps me wondering and hoping that he is ok.

I bought that little book the day I read the passage.  Several of the daily inspirations since then have surrounded similar topics .. letting go, moving forward, refocusing etc.  I needed to hear them all.  I needed somehow to be reminded that it is ok for me to let go.  That it is alright to move on.  It is ok to honor the sadness and carry it in my heart.... but it is also time for me to make that conscious effort to close that door and let the main focus from that time be on the sweet memories of a beautiful friendship, the feelings of two babies bouncing around in my belly, the memory of holding little J close to my heart, and of seeing N off to the airport to fly home with his momma.

The other night I sent off an email to L and while she may never read it, it was important for me to write it.  To tell her that I think about them and miss hearing from them but also that it would be the last time that I would write or initiate contact.  It is hard to let go of the promise that was made to me of staying in touch but I also know that not doing so may be their way of letting go.  Still I truly hope that maybe some day our paths will cross once again.  At the same time it feels freeing to allow myself to step out and away from the shadow that has been hanging over my head for so long.  The feelings of the internal turmoil of my heart of wondering why and what I did wrong, and so wanting to have that pregnancy end differently and for two sweet boys to be with their parents .. rationally I know that nothing I did caused the events to happen the way they did but reconciling emotion with knowledge is hard.

Going through the last few months of my pregnancy has been such a mix of extreme joy and happiness and living with the fear and anxiety of "what if it happens again."  With the months of May and June bringing memory dates not only for the loss of my father, the loss of the pregnancy and the twins' birth and yet another Friday the 13th, and then the loss of J... it also brought the passing of my 26week +3 day mark of this pregnancy.  And a sweet relief flooded my heart....I made it past that day .. I made it past that day in my pregnancy.  Every new day - every new week of growing baby girl in my belly is a victory in my book.  I pray that she will stay put for a good while longer.

Time has come and I know I need to move forward and let go of some of my past hurts.  It does mean that I will ever forget but only that I am choosing to fully embrace this joy of sweet baby love without feeling loaded down with guilt of not being able to carry two sweet twinkie boys term.  I did something good even if it events did not go perfect.  My intentions were pure and I know in my heart that I loved those sweet boys (and still do) the best that I could.

It is time for me to fully embrace this happiness and the pure joy that this baby girl represent for me.  Words cannot describe how intense my feelings and emotions are for this little babe .. I just love her so much.  I have three beautiful, incredible and wonderful children and I never dreamt that I would feel this way again.  This strong longing for a sweet baby makes me feel ever so vulnerable and happy at the same time.  I am giving myself permission to let go, to refocus and embrace the open door for a brand new and changed future from the one I previously envisioned.  A new baby changes everything and I know this little one has changed mine.  I saw her today on a growth scan - her little perfect heart beating away and her feet kicking me as she moved around.  She is growing and is estimated at 2 lbs 2 oz and everything is looking really good with her ... a little sweetheart with so much power to change lives.