I love birthdays ...I especially love cake that accompany the celebration ;-) Today my oldest son turns 20 ... yet I am deprived of cake as he has plans today!
We had a wonderful birthday lunch and did some fun birthday shopping earlier. I got lots of hugs ... but I could easily have more! Happy birthday Magnus ~ you bring me so much love and joy and I am so happy to be your mom. I so clearly remember that first morning after you were born. Marveling over your little fingers and toes. Soaking in the bliss of a holding a newborn in my arms and being unable to take my eyes away from you.
I know from my studies in psychology and nursing that pregnancy and birth is one of those special times in our lives that we are most open to change and growth. That moment a woman becomes a mother ~ a man becomes a father ~ a family is born ~ is life changing in so many ways. Your whole being now becomes about more than it ever was before ... I knew instantly that I wanted more children when the time was right. Now reflecting back I realize how much I took for granted and how fortunate I am to have my four gorgeous kiddos and to have carried three extra special little ones too.
So today I will celebrate the joy I feel in my heart for my sweet birthday boy. While the cake will have to wait for tomorrow ... I will spend the day remembering that sweet moment of holding my first born for the very first time while I ponder how exactly that was 20 years ago. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time ... excited to see what the future holds and maybe a little sad to know that my little boy is all grown up with many plans of his own.
Today is for sure one where all the feelings are hitting in my soft spot and where I am keeping my bergamot and peppermint eo roller close by for a little emotional support boost. But tomorrow ... tomorrow there will be cake!!!
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
It is May again...
To be a surrogate still fills me with such enormous joy and happiness and pain and sadness all at the same time. And here it is May again and all the feels hits me right in the gut. This year sweet N is turning double-digits .. hooray hooray .. sending you lots of happy birthday love. And J .. my love for you is floating to the sky in soft blue balloons.
I celebrated N&J's birthday by helping another momma give birth. What a joy and such sweetness to add to the memories of this very special day. I am collecting as many positive memories on this day as I can to outweigh my sad ones.
Over the years I have gotten better at managing this acute stab that I feel in my heart whenever I think of a birthday that came to early. Better at setting the wonder of what-ifs aside. Better at crying maybe a little less as I ruminate in my heart and soul what I could and should have done different. Learning and knowing from the experience gained from working labor and delivery that these events occur without forewarning and when least expected ... yet it still hurts. It reminds me that life is filled with unpredictability and to never take it for granted. It reminds me that while time flies by and my children grow ever bigger, little footprints still remains so deeply and dearly imprinted in my heart.
I have so much to be grateful for and I am grateful every day. Some days my heart just need a little time to be sad. I know better how to handle it .. and yet sometime I just still suck at it.
I celebrated N&J's birthday by helping another momma give birth. What a joy and such sweetness to add to the memories of this very special day. I am collecting as many positive memories on this day as I can to outweigh my sad ones.
Over the years I have gotten better at managing this acute stab that I feel in my heart whenever I think of a birthday that came to early. Better at setting the wonder of what-ifs aside. Better at crying maybe a little less as I ruminate in my heart and soul what I could and should have done different. Learning and knowing from the experience gained from working labor and delivery that these events occur without forewarning and when least expected ... yet it still hurts. It reminds me that life is filled with unpredictability and to never take it for granted. It reminds me that while time flies by and my children grow ever bigger, little footprints still remains so deeply and dearly imprinted in my heart.
I have so much to be grateful for and I am grateful every day. Some days my heart just need a little time to be sad. I know better how to handle it .. and yet sometime I just still suck at it.
Happy Birthday Boys!!
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Mother's Day joy...
I love love love being a momma and I had a lovely mother's day this year. Flowers, breakfast, surrounded by all my loves and a phone call with my own mom. I am so lucky and my heart is filled with gratitude.
I also got to catch up with one special little girl and her family as well. Miss V ~ you are so gorgeous and smart ... it was so amazing to speak with both you, your brother and your parents. While we do not speak often, you truly are in my thoughts very frequently. It was great to hear of your recent adventures and see the workings of your curious minds.. so much life to explore. Endless opportunities.
My family and my role in making two other families makes my hear smile.
I also got to catch up with one special little girl and her family as well. Miss V ~ you are so gorgeous and smart ... it was so amazing to speak with both you, your brother and your parents. While we do not speak often, you truly are in my thoughts very frequently. It was great to hear of your recent adventures and see the workings of your curious minds.. so much life to explore. Endless opportunities.
My family and my role in making two other families makes my hear smile.
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