It is May again...

To be a surrogate still fills me with such enormous joy and happiness and pain and sadness all at the same time.  And here it is May again and all the feels hits me right in the gut.  This year sweet N is turning double-digits .. hooray hooray .. sending you lots of happy birthday love.  And J .. my love for you is floating to the sky in soft blue balloons.

I celebrated N&J's birthday by helping another momma give birth.  What a joy and such sweetness to add to the memories of this very special day.  I am collecting as many positive memories on this day as I can to outweigh my sad ones.

Over the years I have gotten better at managing this acute stab that I feel in my heart whenever I think of a birthday that came to early.  Better at setting the wonder of what-ifs aside.  Better at crying maybe a little less as I ruminate in my heart and soul what I could and should have done different.  Learning and knowing from the experience gained from working labor and delivery that these events occur without forewarning and when least expected ...  yet it still hurts.  It reminds me that life is filled with unpredictability and to never take it for granted.  It reminds me that while time flies by and my children grow ever bigger, little footprints still remains so deeply and dearly imprinted in my heart.

I have so much to be grateful for and I am grateful every day.  Some days my heart just need a little time to be sad.  I know better how to handle it .. and yet sometime I just still suck at it.

Happy Birthday Boys!!