Friday, May 12, 2017

6 years later... still hurts!  Tomorrow is May 13 ... It is N&Js birthday ~ it should not have been!  It was too early! I still think it is unfair, my heart still questions why, and it still hurts.   Yet it is one of the most important days of my life - it is one of my "birth" days and a day that will forever be edged in my heart, mind and soul.

My prayers as I go to bed tonight is that N is doing well.  I pray that tomorrow will be a fabulous day and he will be celebrated surrounded by love and family.  I pray for a happy tomorrow for his family even as I know it will also be bitter sweet.  I pray that the sun will warm J's resting place and that somehow they all know how much love is carried in my heart for all of them.

 ~~ Happy birthday to you sweet boys ~~ 

In these last couple of years, I have borne witness to many wonderful birthing moments.  Watched and cared for mothers, fathers, extended families and their sweet little newborns.  It is always such an honor to be present at a birth.  There is something so sacred and primal in watching the creation of a new family unfold ~ it is magical.  Sadly, I have also borne witness to loss, heartbreak, and seen the shattered pieces of what should have been a family left behind with questions that no one can answer.  Each time I feel my heart scarred by another little jagged edge and each time I hold my breath and remember....and then I move forward and provide the best care and compassion that I can to support these mothers, fathers and families as they stand of the threshold of a life they never imagined.  The loss of dreams, hopes, and family...and then the slow rebuilding and mending of the heart with beautiful scars along the edges representing the love and wonder of what might have been ...

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Hip Hip Hooray ~ Miss V is 5 today...

Time flies ... sweet little miss V is turning 5 today - how did that happen!!!!

Wishing a sweet girl a very happy birthday...and birthday wishes to big brother K as well.

I am working on cleaning out old files on my computer this morning and I came across a few pictures of V from when she was very little .. just about the same age as Zola is now.  So cute!!!  Surrogacy is so amazing.  It is truly such a fabulous thing to know that I had a part in creating another family.  I love when I hear and get pictures from them ~ it just makes my heart smile.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Sweet smiles and cooing...

Zola is so sweet!  She is starting to dole out the cutest smile and starting to coo.  I love watching her and giving her tons of kisses every day.  So totally in love.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Hard day...

Today is a bittersweet day.  The sale of our home was final and this is a good thing...but also a sad thing.  I loved my house and I loved everything about living by the beach.  It was house that we build and put our savings and love into.  It held so many many wonderful memories for me and I will miss it a lot. I am already missing opening up my sliding door and listening for the sounds of the ocean.  To stand in the backyard and watching the elk stomp through the wetlands and missing my wonderful neighbors.

The good news is that the bank finally finally gave the ok for a short sale and accepted the purchase price offer in full settlement for the mortgage.  It has taken almost a year to get this negotiated this time around and that is in addition to the 8 months of trying to get it sold when we relocated back to the Midwest a few years ago. 

I wish for lots of happiness and love in "my" home for the new family that is moving in.  I hope that they will love it as much as we did.  They are getting a gem for a steal of a price while financially we will be hurting for a quite a while.  I guess that is the name of the real estate game .. we purchased land and build at the top of the market and the tanking of the real estate market is definitely not doing us any favors.  So I will be thankful for the outcome even if it hurts and makes me cry.

I pray for peace for my heart and acceptance that this was the right thing to do.  That the peace that I always felt from watching the waves and the lull of the wind from standing on the dunes overlooking the ocean will settle in my heart and soul for now and carry me through this difficult time.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Two little letters...


I am so excited!!!  It has taken a lot of hard work, sweat and tears to get to this place.  I took my NCLEX exam yesterday and got 75 questions and the exam shut off.  So many things went through my head when the screen went blank and the test was done.

I walked out of the exam thinking about all the things that I did not know...all the questions that I felt like I needed to make an educated guess on.  There is so much stuff to know!!!

Today I got my official notification from the State Board of Nursing and what a blissful email to receive.  I am a nurse....I am a nurse!!!

Next up .. celebratory lunch with the kiddos and a loooongggg snuggle nap with Zola and then a study free weekend!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Work it out...


I feel so ready to get back into a workout routine and I am starting up slowly.  I feel really great physically and my recovery has been relatively smooth.  The area around my incision line is still pretty numb but this is pretty common for abdominal surgery.  I still also have the burning on the external sides of the internal incision but it is getting better.  I took all my measurements this morning and overall I am actually pretty happy with where I am at this point.  My focus is not so much loosing weight but rather shapening up and rebuilding of muscle.

I have dropped down into the 130s and while my ultimately goal is to get to 125lbs but I know that is not likely to happen until after I finish nursing - which God willing I will be doing for a long time to come.  I love feeding my sweet baby girl.  Breastfeeding provides such a special bond and I feel so fortunate to be able to care for her in this way.  

My goal for now is getting my daily step goal back to 10K a day, make sure that I use my ab glider and to use hand weight for a light upper body workout.  To kick my thighs back into shape I have started doing lunges (will add squats soon) starting with 25 a day and planning to add 5 each day.

Hoping that adding exercise back into my daily routine will yield a little more energy for studying!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The big 4-0...

I turned 40 the other day .... "mom you are so old" said Olivia "are you sure you can blow out ALL those candles?"  ... yup because there were only 2 candles - one with a 4 and one with a 0 ... blowing them out on my cake went just fine ;-)

Two of my friends from nursing school came to visit on my birthday.  It was fun catching up with each of them and lamenting the joys of studying for our final licensing exam.  I feel ready and then I do not feel ready to take it.  I have my appointment scheduled but am debating if I should move it further out to have a bit more time to get ready.  Part of me says NO let's just get it done with and another part of me is worried about not being truly ready and not passing .. I have not have nearly enough study time to get ready as I have spent my time enjoying being back home full time, getting ready for Zola's birth and just having her in our lives.  Sleep deprivation surely is no help either....decisions decisions.

This picture is from my birthday .. this little beauty is keeping me young at heart and my 3 older kiddos sure keeps me running too.  I love all of them so much.  It is very fascinating to observe the bigger children's approach and beginning relationship with Zola.  They are all so different but they all love her in their own way - it is very sweet and endearing.

 Then again how can you not just love this little face - I just want to squeeze and love her .. and take naps with her ... LOL