Loss, life .. time to catch-up ...

Hello .. I was thinking today that I miss my blog!  Time flies and sometimes it is hard to keep up with everything that needs to be done.  There are so many new social media platforms out there, things are evolving ever so quickly and I often get stuck in Facebook land, apps, youtube, instagram stories TikTok or Pinterest and wherever else I may need to go to keep up with the kids.  Is anyone still hanging out on blogger ... I guess we will see ;-)

I have been journaling a lot over the last few years.  It is a great way to reflect and work through life and issues.  Recently, I realized that I miss coming on here to share the joys and up and downs of life.  When we share life - it so much better.  The loneliness of COVID isolation has been hard - even though I have been supported by family, friends and coworkers.  The strife, loss and difficulties COVID has impacted us all.   Many other events have intensified the political and societal climate and has exposed many issues both individual and societal bringing to the surface lots of need for reflection and for coming together to support one another.

This blog really started out all about my surrogacy journey and while surrogacy is not a current focus in my life, it will always hold a sweet and very tender spot in my heart.  Today as I quietly celebrate a little N's birthday.  Hoping he is celebrated, loved, and growing big and strong as he move into double digits! May 13 always demands for time to stop for little bit.  To reflect and remember.  Time heals .. but echoes of the early birth still ruminating in my heart, body and soul.  It is something that I will be processing for the rest of my life and the imprints on my heart will always be heavy today.  Through experience of labor and delivery and continued birthing work in my daily work life, I am blessed to continue to be part of birth stories .. and there is nothing better that watching the joy of parents welcoming their little new bundle of joy. 

Life is always changing and I find myself changing a lot of the last few years too.  I think this comes with my children growing older and more independent ... which is funny since I am definitely not getting older ;-)  My mother-in-law always said she remained 27 .. while she has been gone for some years now, her laugh and giggle still rings in my mind.   As I gain more life experience, I am trying to find the courage to "fit in my own skin,"  and finding that balance to truly be happy.  

The last year of COVID, homeschooling, mask-wearing, minimal socializing has been hard.  Sometimes life seems dark and complicated and at other times light, free.  Looking back over not just the last few years but really the last ten, I see this emotional roller coaster of grief.  How various losses have impacted my mental health in different ways.  How being stuck in a grief pattern is mentally exhausting and how difficult it can be to get out of.  But I also see how important it is to seek the light of life, embrace living fully and to realize that joy and magical things surrounds us every day.   

Loss will always be a reality of life - living is terminal and all life must be lost at some point.  It is what we do during the living part that makes the difference.  At that is all up to each of us individually.  Grief is fickle and often hits at inconvenient times.  Sometimes quite frequently and sometimes times at a distance ... it is an ebb and flow just like the rhythm of the ocean waves.  After the last few years with lots of journaling, counseling COVID style via Zoom, and spending a whole lot of time at home.  I am ready for life to be lived.  I am excited that vaccine rates are going up and feel hopeful that we can begin to return to a little bit of normalcy in daily life.  I am ready to embrace living, and to set some of this heavy "grief" luggage down.  Ready to be healthy in body, mind and soul and to figure out what really makes me tick.  New things have come along in the last few years and many more opportunities lay ahead.  I am finally ready to forgive my body and myself .. ready to find a better balance in life. 

Striking just the right balance between family life, individual pursuit of happiness and personal development can be difficult .. but I find myself with a goal of focusing on the positive, seeking joy and happiness, pursuing a more minimal life style and embracing the law of attraction to bring good things back to me in return.

I am ready to find myself again, ready for change and ready for new challenges.

The Crucible...

The final challenge for a recruit of the US Marine Corps to earn the coveted title of US Marine.  

A test of strength, mental clarity and ability to perform under extreme pressure and difficult circumstances. A test of time passed down through generations of Marines entering the Corp to honor, protect and serve our great nation.  As recruits they enter a 54 hour long trial, moving 48 miles on foot, carrying 45 pounds of equipment, going through many obstacles and team challenges with little sleep and food.  To emerge on the other side as a US Marines.

The feelings of anticipation, fear, pride, sadness, strength, wonder, awe .. all so jumbled in my mind and heart. I cannot believe I am standing on this threshold of having my beloved daughter fully turned into a warrior.  I guess her own name pick long ago ... "Aivilowarrior" ... should have handed me the clue that she was destined for this great achievement.

I pray for my child and for all the recruits journeying with her - they have now turned a corner to adulthood...turned away from the innocence of youth and embraced a world of knowledge, cold hard facts, and a life where defending our liberties may become a harsh reality.

My heart is swelling with pride yet crumbling with sadness. I love her for all her might, her decision to serve and her perseverance to take this journey. I hope her sweetness will still linger, that the twinkle in her eye still shine, and her amazing creative fun-loving spirit will remain strong as ever.

Good Luck sweet girl ... may you rise to the challenge and shine through the crucible and return a warrior of heart, body and soul.  I am so very proud of you.

88 days...

That is how long marine boot camp takes .. how long it takes to go from recruit to marine.  My sweet daughter participated in the US Marine Corps Delayed Entry program for her entire senior year of high school and this past weekend she swore in and stepped on those famous yellow steps at Parris Island and turned from poolee to recruit.  Now she is in pursuit of earning the coveted title of US Marine.

Earned.. Never Given

The next 88 days will be challenging and incredibly busy.... sending my sweet honey-girl never-ending love and prayers in support every day.

...my Valor essential oil roller will be close by at all times.  This bravery oil will help me focus and keep perspective.  My girl made a choice knowing the rigors and requirements of the toughest branch of the US Military forces.  If she can be brave ... so can I.... even if I will be counting the days until I see her again ;-) 

Season of change...

This summer has been busy and we are only in the beginning of July.

My daughter graduated from high school and went to New York for a senior trip with a friend.  They had a fantastic trip with a small hick up here and there.  They returned with big smiles, energized and full of the excitement that traveling to new places spur on.  Many has said to me that they could not let their daughter go of and do that alone ... but letting go of the reins is what we must do to let them grow, explore and start their independent adulthood - even when it is hard.   I guess I have the benefit of already having experienced her traveling away from home to attend a year of high school abroad.

My biggest challenge is yet to come though.  My rocking awesome girl has been a Poolee in the Marine DEP (Delayed Entry Program) over her senior year of high school.  This has meant extra PT once a week and every third Saturday of the month over the last twelve months.  When the Marine recruiter first called she was a uncertain but agreed to come in to hear more ... by the time she was leaving that first meeting, she was ready to sign-up.  We took the information home for a few days to discuss and digest .. this was new territory.  She enlisted in the DEP and has worked out hard for the last year.  Now we are standing on the threshold of letting her go and taking a big new step forward.  She leaves for boot camp on Sunday with swearing in ceremony on Monday.

I am so extremely proud of her even as my emotions are mixed with trepidation and sadness that I will not get to hear from her or see her over the next 13 weeks of bootcamp and also over events that may unfold over the next many years.  I know my girl is strong and I know she is excited for this challenge.  When she steps on those yellow footsteps and becomes a recruit on Monday, there is no going back.  I know that the Marines will break her down to build her back up and I know she will come back forever changed.  There is a myriad of emotions fighting in my heart - being proud that she is choosing to serve our great country is winning.

For the next few days I will be pouring on the love and hope that she will take every good memory of growing up, family time, senior year, New York fun and so much more with her in her heart to sustain her during the hard times in boot camp.  I love you honey girl ... so much more than you will ever know.  

The day I became a mother...

I love birthdays ...I especially love cake that accompany the celebration ;-)   Today my oldest son turns 20 ... yet I am deprived of cake as he has plans today!

We had a wonderful birthday lunch and did some fun birthday shopping earlier.  I got lots of hugs ... but I could easily have more!  Happy birthday Magnus ~ you bring me so much love and joy and I am so happy to be your mom.   I so clearly remember that first morning after you were born.  Marveling over your little fingers and toes.  Soaking in the bliss of a holding a newborn in my arms and being unable to take my eyes away from you.

I know from my studies in psychology and nursing that pregnancy and birth is one of those special times in our lives that we are most open to change and growth.  That moment a woman becomes a mother  ~ a man becomes a father ~ a family is born ~ is life changing in so many ways.  Your whole being now becomes about more than it ever was before ... I knew instantly that I wanted more children when the time was right.  Now reflecting back I realize how much I took for granted and how fortunate I am to have my four gorgeous kiddos and to have carried three extra special little ones too.

So today I will celebrate the joy I feel in my heart for my sweet birthday boy.  While the cake will have to wait for tomorrow ... I will spend the day remembering that sweet moment of holding my first born for the very first time while I ponder how exactly that was 20 years ago.  It makes me happy and sad all at the same time ... excited to see what the future holds and maybe a little sad to know that my little boy is all grown up with many plans of his own.

Today is for sure one where all the feelings are hitting in my soft spot and where I am keeping my bergamot and peppermint eo roller close by for a little emotional support boost.  But tomorrow ... tomorrow there will be cake!!!

It is May again...

To be a surrogate still fills me with such enormous joy and happiness and pain and sadness all at the same time.  And here it is May again and all the feels hits me right in the gut.  This year sweet N is turning double-digits .. hooray hooray .. sending you lots of happy birthday love.  And J .. my love for you is floating to the sky in soft blue balloons.

I celebrated N&J's birthday by helping another momma give birth.  What a joy and such sweetness to add to the memories of this very special day.  I am collecting as many positive memories on this day as I can to outweigh my sad ones.

Over the years I have gotten better at managing this acute stab that I feel in my heart whenever I think of a birthday that came to early.  Better at setting the wonder of what-ifs aside.  Better at crying maybe a little less as I ruminate in my heart and soul what I could and should have done different.  Learning and knowing from the experience gained from working labor and delivery that these events occur without forewarning and when least expected ...  yet it still hurts.  It reminds me that life is filled with unpredictability and to never take it for granted.  It reminds me that while time flies by and my children grow ever bigger, little footprints still remains so deeply and dearly imprinted in my heart.

I have so much to be grateful for and I am grateful every day.  Some days my heart just need a little time to be sad.  I know better how to handle it .. and yet sometime I just still suck at it.

Happy Birthday Boys!!

Mother's Day joy...

I love love love being a momma and I had a lovely mother's day this year.  Flowers, breakfast, surrounded by all my loves and a phone call with my own mom.  I am so lucky and my heart is filled with gratitude.

I also got to catch up with one special little girl and her family as well.  Miss V ~ you are so gorgeous and smart ... it was so amazing to speak with both you, your brother and your parents.  While we do not speak often, you truly are in my thoughts very frequently.  It was great to hear of your recent adventures and see the workings of your curious minds.. so much life to explore.  Endless opportunities.

My family and my role in making two other families makes my hear smile.