Sunday, May 27, 2012

Up in the air...

Surrogacy can bring so much uncertainty - you just never know if things will pan out just right.  There are so many steps in the process and anyone of those can fumble at a moments notice.  Infertility is not fair!  I care very deeply for the families that I have met through this wonderful journey and knowing the struggles they have endured makes me sad....and for A&S I hope and pray that a sweet baby will be in their future soon.

It is so hard to get so close and yet be so far away ... a little bitter sweet to have gotten within reach of transfer only to have it cancelled.  However, as much as I like to control my life, we are not always in charge ... life happens.  Only time will tell where we go from here ~ it truly feels like this is just meant to be and hopefully so it will. 

We are not quite ready to abandon our journey but we are at a stalling point at this time.  Who knows where the next bend in the road will lead us ... we are hopeful it all will work out just peachy but only time will tell.

I have made some incredible friends through surrogacy and even if I never carry another baby I am so incredible blessed for what I have gotten to do.  How magical a ride it has been to help bring home two sweet babies to two very deserving families ... and how amazingly gratifying it has been to develop a special bond with another incredible family.  I truly do appreciate three beautiful intended mothers that I have come to know through this ... I have given openly of my heart to all three of them and in return I have gained so much more.

Prayerful and incredibly blessed ...

Thursday, May 24, 2012

This stinks...

Our transfer is officially cancelled.

We are all very disappointed ... so close yet so FAR away!

I am sad and have not quite collected my thoughts yet ... hopefully this is just a temporary set back.

I guess only time will tell.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Count down is in question...

Hurry up and wait!!!

Count down for now may be interrupted ... there has been a little snag in the plans which will likely postpone transfer for now ... maybe even cancel it completely.

External forces are at work here - this is not due to an internal conflict among my IPs and I - but an outside issue that was just not anticipated to play out the way it currently is.

Surrogacy can be very unpredictable but as my IM said, when one door closes another will open.  We are trying to spy that open door ... spying is hard on a cloudy day though and today is rainy!

For now I patiently wait (ok maybe "patiently" is a lie) for dust to settle and decisions to be made... hurry up and wait ... wait for it .... wait for it!

At this time I am sticking to my transfer schedule and staying hopeful.  Keeping my fingers crossed that all will work out....only time will tell!

Stay tuned!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Count down is on...

Transfer is in 9 days ... just 9 days and one more clinic appointment away!

Two more of Lupron injections to go and then I begin the daily injections of progesterone.  The progesterone is an intramuscular injection like the delestrogen, so the ice packs and heating pad will be coming out daily starting on Thursday.  Friday morning I head to the clinic for the last blood work appointment before transfer to ensure that all my levels are where they should be at this stage in the game.

At some point over the coming weekend, Dr. H and the embryologist will be thawing out A&S' embryos so that they can continue to grow before transfer.  I am not sure of the exact point they were frozen at previously only that it was pretty early after fertilization.  The embryos will be thawed and watched until they are at a blastocyst stage and ready for a day 5 transfer.  We are all hopeful that the thaw and growing process will be successful!

Keeping my fingers crossed :-)

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Your uterus looks beautiful...

always chuckle when I get that comment....really how can you not laugh.  I wonder how many beautiful uteri the doc gets to look at on the ultrasound screen!  Still I will take my compliment and smile.

My clinic appointment went well this morning.  They were a bit backed up.  There was about a 1/2 hour delay in getting in to be seen, but I had my microbiology book with me so time was not wasted!  My ultrasound was quick as all looked good and "beautiful".  My lining is at 9 mm and triple striped.  It is lower than for my last two transfers at this point but the clinic just want to see that it is over 8 mm so we are good.

My estrogen levels are also where they should be, so I get to stay at my current delestrogen dosage of 0.3 ml twice a week.  Then next Thursday I will be adding daily progesterone injections as well.

We are getting close!

I am also getting close to another big event!!!  in just 9 days I will be the mother of a TEENAGER!!!  How the heck did that happen?  My little boy who was the first one to take up residence in my "beautiful" uterus is turning 13 - I just can't believe it.  I remember marveling at his little fingers and toes and just feeling like the luckiest person in the world. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Contract is done...

Going to notarize my part tomorrow ~ I cannot wait for it to be officially sealed, signed and delivered!

Finalizing the contract is always my least favorite part of surrogacy.  It always seem to put everybody a little on edge.  Even when your (mine and IP's) vision for the journey aligns,  even when you are pretty much in full agreement on the various aspects of the contract ... reading through it and contemplating all the possibilities covered in a contract is really sobering.  Add a double dose of lawyers to the deal representing opposite parties ... and well then you have a party! 

The contract is the legal backbone of any journey.  It is there to protect everyone involved and it is required to establish the legal parentage once baby arrives.  While it is a very crucial component of a journey, it is one of those things that once done, you hope you never really have to look at very much.  Sure it absolutely will be referred throughout the duration, but it will no longer be at the forefront ... it's like having a fallout shelter ... if the plan of attack goes well everyone wins .. but if something unplanned pops up, it is there to cover you.

Since I am doing this surrogacy as an independent match (meaning without the support of an agency), it is extra important to have an attorney that you trust and can rely on.  I really appreciate mine, he has always looked out for my best interest and make sure that I understand every little details and know what exactly I am signing my name to. 

It is a relief to have it finalized ... and suffice to say, that I am just happy that it is pretty much done and we can move on to lots more happier things ... like making a baby :-)

Monday, May 14, 2012

By the way...

I have managed to almost reach my goal weight, which is kind of incredible given the fact that I have started my hormone treatments.  The meds are making me feel bloated but so far I have not started to gain.  Actually getting on the scale Saturday morning...the numbers blinking back at me read 125.8 - wow!!!  I have not seen below 126 since before I had Magnus and he is turning 13 in less than 2 weeks.  While my weight is at the lowest point it has been in almost 14 years ... the shape of my abs will probably never return to the way they looked like 14 years ago.  But when I think of all the treasured gold that has been carried in there ... then a little extra flap on the midsection is a small price to pay.

So here I am doing a little victory happy dance....and then I am off to hoping that my weight will steadily begin increasing in the very near future and for a very very good reason!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day...

Today is first Sunday market of the season .... I am so excited ~ I love the market.  I love all the good smells of food, looking at all the different vendor stalls, and purchasing farm fresh produce and other homemade goodies.  We had a delicious lunch and I got a gorgeous bouquet of flowers.

The boys and I also went to one of the galleries to pick up my mother's day present from my honey - it is a cute evil cat statue on his soap box .... just love it!!!

My morning started off on a wonderful note.  Sebastian brought me "breakfast in bed" ... so cute!  It was a little baggie they had made at school and it had a cute poem, and orange and a granola bar in it.  Love that kid.  Then Olivia came with a school made gift and a home made card too.... so sweet.

It is a beautifully sunny day and I am trying hard not to feel down....I have so much to be grateful for, still it is hard not to think of two little boys who just arrived way to soon.  Today is the twinkies birthday ... a whole year has passed since my heart was crushed into little took me a while to put it back together again, but I did and the process of doing so reaffirmed some decisions made in my heart long ago.  Life always have surprises right around the corner and I am excited about many new things ahead.

While enjoying my Mother's day with my three great kiddos.... I also send very special Mother's day wishes out to three incredible women that I have met through surrogacy.  I feel so blessed with the wonderful and special time of carrying extra little feet in my belly.  I am sending much love out to princess V and pray that baby N is doing well and having a wonderful birthday ~ as for Angel J ..... I hope that he is watching down on us and eating a whole lot of angel food cake today.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

3 weeks on the nose...

If all goes accordingly to plans, three weeks from now I will be laying in a bed in a hotel in Portland hoping, wishing and praying that a little something is going to stick!  I am excited as it looks like A will be here for transfer as well - I know she really wants to be, so here is to hoping that everything works out just right.

Three weeks! ... it will be here before we know it.  Our contract is almost fully done - can't wait for it to be signed, sealed and delivered.  It has been long time underway but sometimes travel and work schedules do not always match so well - the important thing is that we are pretty much done with that part.

It is always a bit surreal counting down to transfer.  Getting pregnant with my own children just happened .. with Magnus and Olivia it happen right when we wanted it to.  With Sebastian it took a little longer but still it happened ... with surrogacy it is so completely different.  It is a highly structured effort, all planned in the nitty gritty detail, and still achieving pregnancy can sometimes be a challenge.  For now my body is responding great to the RE's protocol and hopefully it will continue to do so.  I go back next Thursday to have my blood levels checked again as well as an ultrasound to make sure my lining is responding appropriately as well. 

Next up to worry about is the embryos.  They have been frozen for a bit and we all hope that they make the thaw.  Hopefully we will have a good quality embryo to transfer.  Off course we will - positive thinking all the way!  Knowing that "I will be pregnant" just three weeks from now is so so cool....hopefully a cute little bean wants to hang out with me the next 9 long months ;-)

Monday, May 7, 2012

The BIG needles...

Tonight is the first delestrogen injection .... out comes the big needles.   The first injection is always the worst and I have to work up my courage to do it.   I have Vanilla Ice and Ice Ice Baby running in my head ... you bet I am going to ice it up and have the heating pad ready...

                                      Yo, VIP, let's kick it!

                                            Ice ice baby
                                            Ice ice baby

Ok ... one down :-)

On a more exciting note, tonight I also get to decrease my Lupron dose ~ I am hoping that means "Good Bye Headache" starting tomorrow!!! ...ohh pretty pretty please!!!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Questions about surrogacy...

I often get questions about surrogacy ... questions about my feelings about the baby ... questions about letting go ... and questions about the continued relationship with these very special families that has crossed paths with mine and will forever be connected on the heart strings.

I just read this great post by another surrogate... it really answers some of these questions well ... so I will link the post below ~ enjoy :-)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

First blood draw...

Today is day 11 of my medical protocol.... 11 small injections down ~ the big ones are starting soon!

I am now done with birth control pills and with the first round of Doxy ... hallelujah!!  Yesterday I started getting a headache and it was lurking for most of the day.  I know that it is due to the Lupron building up in my system as napping did not help and neither did a coke.  I totally needed to study for my micro midterm, but the headache was too intense so I went to bed instead.  Luckily it was mostly gone this morning...just a little remnant left but it is better for now. 

I went to Portland today for my first blood draw of this cycle.  They are checking the estradiol levels in my system and it came back good and low at 6.  This means that the Lupron is the doing what it is supposed to do in suppressing my natural ovulation cycle. With the number low, I am now on track to start the Delestrogen injections on Monday.  The good news from my nurse coordinator also included that I am able to drop my Lupron dose down to 5 units per day starting Monday as well .... hopefully the lurking headache will be gone soon.

... day 1 of the BIG needles coming up soon.