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Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hurt feelings but I would still have done the same...

Fall is here and my birthday is near.  The change in season is a reminders that two years ago, I was gearing up for a transfer with L&J to help them complete their family.  The transfer went perfectly but life is not always perfect ... Still I believe in miracles and that every life circumstance will teach us something.  It may not always be lessons that we want to learn but none the less we will take something away from all situations.

Since the birth of my first child, my birthday wishes has always included happiness for my children and my sweet little surro babes.  This year I wish that little sweetheart N is growing bigger, hopefully stronger and more joyful to his beautiful family day by day.  Some days I think a lot about N&J - it is a funny feeling of holding someone so close at heart while still letting them go. 

I often wish that I would hear some news and my feelings are hurt that I do not.  Then I think maybe this is how it would have been even if all had been perfect, after all that is the chance you take with surrogacy.  Sometimes I think back at our emails and conversations laced with intent of keeping in touch...and wonder how I could have been so mistaken in what was yet to come.  Then I think that life and circumstances just got in the way.  Loss is hard and my journey with the twins ended in ways none of us wanted.  So many thoughts clouds my head when thinking about it....retracing steps of the last days of my pregnancy and then of the days to come after.  So many unanswered questions ... too many to count ... maybe I should not have left for NY the night I did, maybe I should have kissed little J's sweet cheek before his surgery.  Maybe I should have held little N closer that last time I saw him.  Maybe a few more minutes of holding him tight before taking L and him to the airport would have been ok - but I did not want to make them late.  Had I known then what I know now, maybe I would have held on just a little longer instead of the hasty snuggles in goodbye... but is that not how we always think, that there will always be a next time?  Reality is that sometimes there is not a next time.

Truthfully ... had I known, that soon I would never hear news again, I would still have done the exact same things.  I would still have spent hours pumping milk because even though it was time consuming and heart breaking, I wanted to do everything I could to make a difficult situation just a little bit better.  I would still have driven those many times 4-5 hours round trip just to catch little glimpses of two sweet little ones, to bring up milk to them, and for a chance to catch up with L to see how she was holding up.  I would still have spend hours and hours praying for all of them and I would still have given Little N my hasty snuggles to ensure their timely arrival at the airpot.

Life goes on and time heals .. or so so they say.  I do feel much stronger and better than I did a year ago.  If nothing else, time does provide perspective.  But I have learned something that I wish no mother ever had to learn.  Loosing a child ~ even one that was just mine to love for a brief time ~ is not something that you can ever be healed from, it is something that you have to learn to live with.  It changes you profoundly and life is never again the same. 

I have so many blessing in my life .. so much joy that I am grateful for.  Still at times an iron fist remains locked around part of my heart and closes in so tight that I can barely breathe.  My heart will always have ragged edges, and a piece will forever be missing ... but still it remains overflowing with lots of love for all the incredible, beautiful, talented, spirited and wonderful baby feet that I have been blessed to carry deep inside below my jagged heart.

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