I just love Christmas...

.. but let me clarify - I DO NOT love spending half of Christmas Eve night nor ALL of Christmas day sick as a dog!!!  Yuck!!  Luckily none of the children got sick and I am finally back to feeling better.  I have even managed to keep everything down that I have eaten today...sometimes it is the small victories that count ~ even if those victories are crackers, toast, and a little bit of yogurt.

Anyway before I got sick, we had a lot of fun!  We spent a couple of days at Great Wolf Lodge playing, swimming and enjoying quality family time .. it was great to get away for a few days.

We came home on the 23rd just in time to get ready for Santa and for Christmas Eve.  In accordance with Danish traditions, Santa visits our home between the 23rd and 24th and Christmas Eve is the main celebration for the holiday.  This year we had some lovely friends to celebrate with and it was also Jane's (our exchange student) first Christmas ever so that made it extra fun and special too.  I told her that she would not be experiencing a truly "American" Christmas as our family follow many of the traditions from my home country but I still think she has really enjoyed December and all that came along ...especially the presents and goodies from Santa.

As a true Dane, I really really love candles and many of our traditions include lighting candles ... I just love the warm glow they cast off and I enjoy every opportunity I get to put candles all around.  Some of the things we do at Christmas time includes lighting the "calendar candle" daily.  This is a special candle that counts ~ or should I say "burn" ~ down the days from December 1st through the 24th.  Each day we burn one little segment for that day counting down to Christmas Eve.  We also light our advent decoration each Sunday for the last four Sundays before Christmas.  Each successive Sunday we light one additional candle, so first Sunday one candle is lit and on the fourth Sunday all four candles are lit - it is beautiful.  We also put real candles on our tree ... it always freaks people out when I tell them that.  But it is a tradition that I gladly carry on and I must say that it is one of my favorite moments of Christmas Eve when the all other lights are turned out and the tree is brightly lit in the warm glow of candle light.....and yes for those of you who wonder, my husband always has his bucket of water handy just in case ;-)

All in all it has been a magical and beautiful December.  The children have enjoyed them selves and I love watching the joy in their eyes although I must admit that this year I am a little sad to realize that the "magic of Santa" may soon be reaching its end at our house.

To end my post ... I have a little extra Christmas cheer to share because Christmas came early for me!!!  A few days before Christmas I received some very good news in the mail regarding my insurance and coverage for surrogacy.  Suffice to say that it sparked some extra Christmas joy for all of us and we look forward to see what the new year holds...especially on the surrogacy front.

WHY must this craziness happen...

I have said before, that in the big scheme of things I believe things will happen because they are meant to .... but with the events of yesterday that belief is again just flying out the window.  Once again I am sitting with the wish that if we could just turn back the hands of time ... change one little detail and maybe the outcome would have been so very different.

There is absolutely NO way such a horrific and terrifying event should EVER happen.  All I am left with is why why why feeling and a broken heart ... why would anyone want to take their anger out on sweet little innocent children.

The news from CT yesterday breaks my heart.  I feel so sad for all those parents that did not get to hug their children last night.  I know that when mine arrived home from school, I squeezed them so tight that they were batting at me to set them free.  Loosing a child is incredibly difficult under any circumstances, but adding in this horrific and violent ending..it is just so unimaginable. 

Any mass shooting is disheartening - no one ever deserves to die like that.  The victims age in this one though, just makes it so much more difficult.  What is the answer?  More gun control, tighter security, or better mental health treatment and education? .... I don't know but something has got to change.  Schools should be a safe place to be - the mall should be a safe place to go shopping - the movie theater should be a safe place to go for entertainment.

My thoughts and prayers goes out to all who were affected by this sad event...I pray for peace for all of you.

19 months out...

19 months ago I delivered sweet N&J.  I can honestly say that it was the most difficult day of my life.  I hated everything about that day and I still do ~ the wishing that I could change it will never go away ... but I have accepted what was...although it is still hard to have no idea how the N-man is doing.  I hope he is having a glorious day today and that he just continues to be a joy to his family.

Life goes on and right now I am filling my days with Christmas fun, planning and studying .. we are on break from school but I cannot leave the books alone.  I love learning all this new material as I prepare to enter nursing school next summer or fall and I am totally digging the opportunity to volunteer in our local Emergency Room... it is a fantastic opportunity to watch the nurses in action and pepper them with questions when time allows.  I am so excited about the possibilities that lies ahead.

Every day I love on my kids and every day I think of three beautiful babies ~ each in their own place ~ and thank God that I have been part of 6 miracles even if one little miracle grew wings too soon.

I have been working hard to get back in shape.  In the months after delivery, I felt in so little control of my body ... it failed me when I really needed it.  But I have slowly regained that control and can once again appreciate the incredible things the human body can do.  Honestly, I think studying anatomy has really helped in that regard too ... it is just so fascinating!

I am 19 months out from delivery of the twins.  Lots of running (...and yes a good part of that running was "running away" from all the pain, emotional trauma and disappointment I felt from the premature delivery), soccer coaching, weight training, and the a fall term of Health and PE ... and I am now in better shape than before I got pregnant with Magnus 14 years ago.  While I still want to "tweek" and tone several areas of my body, I am overall very happy with myself at this point.

Missing my angels...

I watched a movie last night ... A little Slice of Heaven ... it made me cry!  A movie about death and dying from cancer seen through the glossy eyes of Hollywood.  I should have known better than to even start it!  It ended with a celebration of life...  life should be celebrated and the ones we loved should be remember with cherished memories.

 Last week an aunt of mine passed away.  Last time I saw her was when I was home for my father's funeral.  She had been ill for some time, but luckily she was feeling well enough to participate in the marriage celebration of one of her grandchildren.  The beautiful bride is my cousin's daughter who came and stayed with us some years back during a high school exchange program.  My aunt was there all day to celebrate the happiness and joy of new love .. surely many beautiful memories were captured that day and I am so happy she was able to share that day with the lovely couple.

Sometimes it is so hard to live half the world away from family.  Everyone gets older ... and well so do I (although I still think my Wii Fit age should count especially on the days when I am in my 20's)!!!!  .. and I wonder who else I may not get to see again.  The other side of new losses is that it seems to bring others back into focus and I feel just a little lost tonight.  My soul is a little raw and I miss some of the special people that I have been lucky enough to have shared my life with. 

There are three people that I think most often about when I am sad ... my grandmother was such a big part of my life growing up.  She taught me many things and she had the patience of a saint....there are days when I wish just a little more of that patience had rubbed off on me!

I miss my dad ... I remember him whistling Christmas songs when I was little.  I remember the only Christmas Rio and I spent in Denmark when we were first married - and he loved that we were there.  We went for a walk on Christmas day - in the forest, beautifully white with freshly fallen snow everywhere - I can almost hear his whistling from that day as I sit here.  I recall so vividly the last time I talked to him on the phone and how excited he was that he figured out how to install this "new-fangled program called skype" on his computer... because that meant that "now he could call me and see me anytime he wanted"...it was a brief call that day as we were both busy and as it happened, those short brief few minutes was the last real conversation we shared.  My dad passed away three and a half years ago now and still I miss talking to him.  Since he died, I have been trying to recall his voice in my head ... but I still can't hear him - every time his voice seems close by it becomes elusive and slips back away....maybe one day.

I also miss a special little angel...  Loosing J gripped my heart and soul.  I miss him more than I can put into words ... well actually those words just seems trapped deep deep in my heart and some times they spill over in the form of tears.  I do not talk about this grief or loss with very meany.   It is very difficult for most to relate to and it is just so very personal. 

What does not kill you makes you stronger ... Thank you God for making me stronger ... but please know that for right now, I feel just strong enough!
 

Things we do not see...

I saw this in someone's tag line on a posting board.  I love it ... it makes me smile.

Why do we close our eyes when we pray?  When we cry?  When we dream?  Or when we kiss? Because we know that the most beautiful things in life are not seen, but felt by heart

Life has infinite unseen beauty.  I hold some of my sweetest memories in my hearth.  They were never photographed and while I wish that some of them might have been, they warm my heart every time I think of them.

Happy December my unseen angels .. your memory is weaved into the spirit of the season.  I miss you all ... and while you may be gone from life and touch, your sweet memories will always warm my heart.

Christmas wishes on this 1st day of December...

I have some very special Christmas wishes this year.  Christmas is a time of believing in magic and joy ... and while I know some of my wishes may not come true, I will keep wishing anyway! 

This first day of December, I send much Christmas love to the special families that I have been connected to through surrogacy ... I wish the season will bless you all with abundant love and joy in hearts and homes. 

M&M ~ I know that the twiblings will keep you on your toes this year ... wishing you much fun and happiness throughout the season.

L&J ~ I pray that the magic of Christmas fill your spirits and lifts you souls to hear your sweet angel J sing.  I truly pray that N is bringing you lots of joy and that your Christmas is blessed with lots of love and wonderful times for all of you.  I miss hearing from you ... and I pray that someday I will.

A&S ~ Christmas joy to the three of you ... I wish this Christmas season would bring the magical news we are all wanting to hear.

....now off to decorate and make a glorious breakfast for the biggest three joys in my life and of course for sweet Jane as well ~ let the magic of the season begin.

Happy December 1st to all!

Fall term is over...

Which means about two more weeks and I can submit my nursing school application!  I need to finish my application letter ... and I just hope that I can write one that is good enough to tip the scale in my favor for acceptance to the program.

This next week is finals week for school.  I only have my final in anatomy and physiology class left to focus on.  I was able to take my math final early - so glad to be done with that one.  Yesterday was a productive day too.  I had my last lectures of the term, completed the final assignments and project for my Health and PE class and got that all turned in, and completed my last online quiz for A&P.  So now I just need to buckle down with plenty of study time to get ready for A&P and finish up my last posting for our remaining case study.  There is so much material to learn for that class, but I love it and find it endlessly fascinating...I am excited for the Christmas break to be here ... but truly I am really looking forward to starting classes again in January.