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Friday, December 7, 2012

Missing my angels...

I watched a movie last night ... A little Slice of Heaven ... it made me cry!  A movie about death and dying from cancer seen through the glossy eyes of Hollywood.  I should have known better than to even start it!  It ended with a celebration of life...  life should be celebrated and the ones we loved should be remember with cherished memories.

 Last week an aunt of mine passed away.  Last time I saw her was when I was home for my father's funeral.  She had been ill for some time, but luckily she was feeling well enough to participate in the marriage celebration of one of her grandchildren.  The beautiful bride is my cousin's daughter who came and stayed with us some years back during a high school exchange program.  My aunt was there all day to celebrate the happiness and joy of new love .. surely many beautiful memories were captured that day and I am so happy she was able to share that day with the lovely couple.

Sometimes it is so hard to live half the world away from family.  Everyone gets older ... and well so do I (although I still think my Wii Fit age should count especially on the days when I am in my 20's)!!!!  .. and I wonder who else I may not get to see again.  The other side of new losses is that it seems to bring others back into focus and I feel just a little lost tonight.  My soul is a little raw and I miss some of the special people that I have been lucky enough to have shared my life with. 

There are three people that I think most often about when I am sad ... my grandmother was such a big part of my life growing up.  She taught me many things and she had the patience of a saint....there are days when I wish just a little more of that patience had rubbed off on me!

I miss my dad ... I remember him whistling Christmas songs when I was little.  I remember the only Christmas Rio and I spent in Denmark when we were first married - and he loved that we were there.  We went for a walk on Christmas day - in the forest, beautifully white with freshly fallen snow everywhere - I can almost hear his whistling from that day as I sit here.  I recall so vividly the last time I talked to him on the phone and how excited he was that he figured out how to install this "new-fangled program called skype" on his computer... because that meant that "now he could call me and see me anytime he wanted"...it was a brief call that day as we were both busy and as it happened, those short brief few minutes was the last real conversation we shared.  My dad passed away three and a half years ago now and still I miss talking to him.  Since he died, I have been trying to recall his voice in my head ... but I still can't hear him - every time his voice seems close by it becomes elusive and slips back away....maybe one day.

I also miss a special little angel...  Loosing J gripped my heart and soul.  I miss him more than I can put into words ... well actually those words just seems trapped deep deep in my heart and some times they spill over in the form of tears.  I do not talk about this grief or loss with very meany.   It is very difficult for most to relate to and it is just so very personal. 

What does not kill you makes you stronger ... Thank you God for making me stronger ... but please know that for right now, I feel just strong enough!
 

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