Saturday, September 13, 2014

Feeling very alone...

I miss my momma ... she left too early.  She got angry, got her feelings hurt...and we got into a conflict that was just not solvable.  Sitting here I just do not understand how this situation could unravel as quickly as it did. 

My mother, who I love dearly, has a temper (...and yes I have inherited part of that lovely temper along with a good portion of stubbornness as well) and at times she can be a bit difficult to deal with.  Most of the time, I feel pretty capable of diffusing situations as they occur...but this time I have been under an extreme amount of stress and pressure from being in school for the last 15 months, living away from home most of the time, being pregnant, and then just recently having gone through my c-section birth and still being on pain medications .. I guess being sleep deprived by being up with a newborn at all times of the night just did not leave a lot of left over in my patience for dealing with nonsense and silliness. I know she is under a level of stress when she is here visiting as she is not in her home controlled environment and do not always understand everything that goes on...still I guess I expected a little more acceptance of my stress and tiredness in terms of her unspoken needs and demands.

I was wrong I guess, I should somehow have paid more attention to her needs and feelings but I just did not have the extra capacity to do so.  I wish I had had more foresight to diffuse this situation, to somehow have made her stay.  To make her un-angry and stay here if not for me then for her grandchildren who were so confused about her sudden departure.  It all makes me sad - she was supposed to be here with me but instead she left with her pride held high and determined that I should get no satisfaction from having her stay here with us.

I sought no satisfaction from winning an argument with her and her words of anger burn my heart as I am sure some of the things that I said must burn in hers.  I do no know what the future holds for our relationship and I sit here with a broken heart over her leaving and just wished she would have stayed.

Instead I sit here alone and she has returned back home at a great added expense.  It makes me so incredibly sad and so very upset that I was not worth enough to her to set aside her pride and work through our misunderstanding and differences.  At least I know that she is home safe and that provides some comfort...still I would prefer that she was here with me instead of half the world away.


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