Angel wings...

Why, why...WHY???

I am so angry that I can scream ... I am sad and heartbroken and I do not know how to put my world back together right now.

Little N&J were both doing well, growing and putting on weight. They both looked so good last Friday when I saw them and J was pulled of his cpap and was tolerating it well. For Father's Day L send some cute pictures of them both ... and then a sudden turn of events.

J developed a NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis) infection and it ravaged his little body. He was put on a ventilator and endured surgeries to remove parts of his bowel....poor little J...but the infection was too strong for him to overcome. I have said so many prayers for him and his family ... and wished with all that I am that he would be the little miracle who defied the odds. Sadly it was not to be.

My heart is broken in a million little pieces .. Little J .. you own a piece of my heart and I will always always carry you with me - if there was anyway for me to go back and change whatever and still be pregnant I would .... if I could anything to take away all the pain I would that too.

Life is so unfair...one moment things seems all status quo and the next things are all wrong. Friday the 13th was one of those days and Monday the 20th was another. The first one you came into this world way way to early without any forewarning and because of reasons I do not know and the second you developed an infection that was just too much for you little precious body to handle.

I know that you are flying with angels and that little wings are propped beautifully on your shoulders. It is so hard to know that you are gone and that I will never hold your sweet little hand again.

Thank you for bringing beauty into my life - you have blessed me even with your short presence ... I desperately wished that you could have stayed longer ... that I could have done so much more for you. Sweet little J ~ fly and be free ... you beautiful little angel. I love you so much!

Spoiled rotten...

This afternoon I meet up with Melanie (my previous IM) for a bit of clothes shopping to wear for a very fun event coming up next week... much more details to follow on that - all I am going to say for now is that I am very excited about it ;-)

Magnus did such a wonderful job of helping watch Sebastian while M and I went shopping ... ohh I feel so very spoiled today!

Great day...

Both boys have hit the 3 pound mark - Yeah!!! Way to go boys!!! They still look so tiny but every gram gained makes a difference. I am so happy that they have both passed this threshold and although they still have a ways to go before they can go home to enjoy family life .. this is such wonderful news. Their growth is picking up speed now too and they are starting to fill out a bit ... they are such little cuties. J also has come off his cpap which is big news too. When I got to the NICU to visit today (a very quick visit since I had both my boys with me) I could see his little face all free and clear. He looks so good!

Magnus, Sebastian and I had lunch and visited for a bit with L in the garden of the hospital today - it is always nice to see her. She was great and watched both my boys for a bit while I went to pump for her little ones. I know she misses her big kids and I hope mine brighten her day with a little sunshine and chatter!

What a happy day ... I know that all the prayers everyone is saying for them is working!

Sweet and cuddly little J...

L gave me a wonderful gift when I was visiting last Friday - she let me hold little J. Oh my goodness ... it was a little slice of heaven! I know she treasures every moment with her little boys and holding them is still a rare event so the fact that she let me hold him was just so special to me.

His little body was snuggled up on my chest. I could feel his little feet and arms move around just a bit as he snuggled in for a snooze. I got to hold him for close to an hour. He was keeping is stats very stable and was just snoozing along. I was going cross eyed trying to look at him - I told L she needs a little hand mirror so she can watch the babies as they snuggle close .... I truly treasured holding him and just closed my eyes and enjoyed this very special time with him.

Thank you L ... you are such a kind and wonderful person. I will bring you a mirror :-)

NICU visit...

Last Friday I went to visit the boys and L up at the NICU ... they have both gained a bit of weight since I saw them last and they look wonderful but are still ever so tiny. As of today J has hit the 3 lb mark and N is not far behind - Yeah!!!

I had a really busy day actually. First I went to the MAC store to have them look at my computer which of course could not be repaired right then and there ... so I had to leave my computer (..I feel naked!) so they can replace my internal mouse track pad. After dropping of the computer I met another surro friend for lunch. Andrea is so great and we had a good time catching up on life.

Mid-afternoon I went over to OSHU for my appointment there - and I cannot completely decide whether it was helpful. The counselor did give me some objectiveness to the situations and put some things in a different perspective than what I have considered ... so I guess it was helpful but the verdict is still out.

I spent the late afternoon through almost midnight at the NICU - I enjoyed having time to watch the boys and talk to L. It is amazing to just watch them .. they are little miracles. L and I had dinner and a nice chat ... I know it is a tough experience in the NICU but she is staying amazingly strong and is such a good advocate for her little boys. I was there for their cpap change so I got to see them without all the gear. I also got to change J's little diaper - so little and cute! Both boys are looking good and you can tell they are starting to gain and fill out their little skin folds a little bit.

Grow Grow Grow...

Going to see the babies today ...

I have a busy day ahead of me today.... lots of stuff to get done as school is almost out for the summer. I have a few things to shop for in Portland as we get ready for summer, camp and for Magnus and Olivia's big trip to Denmark. They are going to have so much fun on this trip!

I also have my appointment at OSHU today - I am hoping that it will bring some things into perspective for me. Afterwards I am heading to the NICU to visit with L and the baby boys. I am looking forward to seeing all of them and to offload the mountain of milk from my freezer .... got milk - YEP!

3 weeks old...

Gestational age: 29 weeks and 2 days ... still itty bitty - but SO cute!

I visited the NICU yesterday ... it was so good to see them and L. I had made overnight arrangements for all the kids at home so that I would have plenty of time for good visit. Since I was driving in to Portland in the afternoon, I hit rush hour traffic through the city. I arrived at the hospital late afternoon and L came to help with the milk. I had a good load to drop up for the boys so they should be stocked on food for a while. My breast milk gets fortified with additional nutrients and little by little the amount of feedings are increased. After dropping off milk, I got to see the sweet boys for just a bit before I went to pump for them and shortly after we had to leave the unit for the shift change where no visitors are allowed in the NICU during that time. During the shift change, L carried the cooler, now filled with lots of empty milk containers, back to my car and we went to get some dinner from the cafe in the hospital lobby. It was wonderful getting to catch up with L for a little bit - she is such a sweet person and I am feel really blessed that our paths in life have crossed. It was good to hear about her kiddos at home and how everyone is holding up. I know this is a very difficult time for all of their family and the stress of a NICU experience can be tough.

After dinner and shift change we headed back up to the unit and I got to be there when the RT and nurse were changing the boy's cpap's. What a wonderful experience! For the first time (other than in pictures) I got to see their whole little faces and heads without any tubes ... they are such little sweethearts. I got to love a little bit on both of them too - feeling both of their little heads with silky hair and their little feet. This was the first time I have gotten to touch the sweet babes and it felt incredible. I also got to help change Nik's little bitty diaper and let me tell you .. he got the pooping thing down :-) Both the boys did really well of their cpaps and L got some cute pictures. I am very thankful to L for letting be help out - it really just made my day.

The staff in the NICU is fantastic and the nurse from last night is really sweet and gentle with the boys. it is good to know that the little ones are being watch over with great care.

The three important thing for them is to breathe, eat and grow...Grow grow grow!!

Appointment at OSHU...

Based on recommendation from one of the OB's at Legacy, I have made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in perinatal mental health. Delivering the babies early has been extremely difficult for me emotionally. I hope that talking through the experience will be beneficial and hopefully provide some tools that I can use to work through the emotional challenges that I struggle with.

Fact is that I wish I could have done so much more for N&J. I long to carry them in my belly still and I have a hard time accepting that my pregnancy was so abruptly ended for no good reason... well clearly there was a physical reason as one placenta abrupted .. but why did it have to happen? I long for an answer that I know I will never get .. instead I know I have to find acceptance with a reality that I never expected nor wanted.

Some days are harder than others.... the days that the boys are doing well are good days but can still make me cry. The days that the boys are facing challenges are hard ... I wish I could take away their struggles as well as spare L&J for the heart ache of watching their little boys fight so hard in the NICU.

I pray daily for good days for them ... for growth and healthy babies. A friend send me the below scripture .. I hold onto that as I got to believe that N&J will grow big, strong and healthy and that they will grow up to do wonderful things in life.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Cool Cool preggo pics...

I love belly pictures of pregnant women. They capture such precious moments of a special time in ones life. I recently saw a link on SMO to a photographer who have done some incredible pictures of pregnant women ... they are just so cool!

http://blog.kevinbeasley.com/category/underwater-maternity

Going to see L & the boys...

Yeah ... tomorrow I am going to drive up to visit with L and the boys .. I am so looking forward to seeing them all. I have lots of milk to drop off as well which is good because N&J are growing (even if it is just a little bit ... growth is good!!!) - they have both surpassed their birth weights...wohoo!!!