Loss, life .. time to catch-up ...

Hello .. I was thinking today that I miss my blog!  Time flies and sometimes it is hard to keep up with everything that needs to be done.  There are so many new social media platforms out there, things are evolving ever so quickly and I often get stuck in Facebook land, apps, youtube, instagram stories TikTok or Pinterest and wherever else I may need to go to keep up with the kids.  Is anyone still hanging out on blogger ... I guess we will see ;-)

I have been journaling a lot over the last few years.  It is a great way to reflect and work through life and issues.  Recently, I realized that I miss coming on here to share the joys and up and downs of life.  When we share life - it so much better.  The loneliness of COVID isolation has been hard - even though I have been supported by family, friends and coworkers.  The strife, loss and difficulties COVID has impacted us all.   Many other events have intensified the political and societal climate and has exposed many issues both individual and societal bringing to the surface lots of need for reflection and for coming together to support one another.

This blog really started out all about my surrogacy journey and while surrogacy is not a current focus in my life, it will always hold a sweet and very tender spot in my heart.  Today as I quietly celebrate a little N's birthday.  Hoping he is celebrated, loved, and growing big and strong as he move into double digits! May 13 always demands for time to stop for little bit.  To reflect and remember.  Time heals .. but echoes of the early birth still ruminating in my heart, body and soul.  It is something that I will be processing for the rest of my life and the imprints on my heart will always be heavy today.  Through experience of labor and delivery and continued birthing work in my daily work life, I am blessed to continue to be part of birth stories .. and there is nothing better that watching the joy of parents welcoming their little new bundle of joy. 

Life is always changing and I find myself changing a lot of the last few years too.  I think this comes with my children growing older and more independent ... which is funny since I am definitely not getting older ;-)  My mother-in-law always said she remained 27 .. while she has been gone for some years now, her laugh and giggle still rings in my mind.   As I gain more life experience, I am trying to find the courage to "fit in my own skin,"  and finding that balance to truly be happy.  

The last year of COVID, homeschooling, mask-wearing, minimal socializing has been hard.  Sometimes life seems dark and complicated and at other times light, free.  Looking back over not just the last few years but really the last ten, I see this emotional roller coaster of grief.  How various losses have impacted my mental health in different ways.  How being stuck in a grief pattern is mentally exhausting and how difficult it can be to get out of.  But I also see how important it is to seek the light of life, embrace living fully and to realize that joy and magical things surrounds us every day.   

Loss will always be a reality of life - living is terminal and all life must be lost at some point.  It is what we do during the living part that makes the difference.  At that is all up to each of us individually.  Grief is fickle and often hits at inconvenient times.  Sometimes quite frequently and sometimes times at a distance ... it is an ebb and flow just like the rhythm of the ocean waves.  After the last few years with lots of journaling, counseling COVID style via Zoom, and spending a whole lot of time at home.  I am ready for life to be lived.  I am excited that vaccine rates are going up and feel hopeful that we can begin to return to a little bit of normalcy in daily life.  I am ready to embrace living, and to set some of this heavy "grief" luggage down.  Ready to be healthy in body, mind and soul and to figure out what really makes me tick.  New things have come along in the last few years and many more opportunities lay ahead.  I am finally ready to forgive my body and myself .. ready to find a better balance in life. 

Striking just the right balance between family life, individual pursuit of happiness and personal development can be difficult .. but I find myself with a goal of focusing on the positive, seeking joy and happiness, pursuing a more minimal life style and embracing the law of attraction to bring good things back to me in return.

I am ready to find myself again, ready for change and ready for new challenges.

The Crucible...

The final challenge for a recruit of the US Marine Corps to earn the coveted title of US Marine.  

A test of strength, mental clarity and ability to perform under extreme pressure and difficult circumstances. A test of time passed down through generations of Marines entering the Corp to honor, protect and serve our great nation.  As recruits they enter a 54 hour long trial, moving 48 miles on foot, carrying 45 pounds of equipment, going through many obstacles and team challenges with little sleep and food.  To emerge on the other side as a US Marines.

The feelings of anticipation, fear, pride, sadness, strength, wonder, awe .. all so jumbled in my mind and heart. I cannot believe I am standing on this threshold of having my beloved daughter fully turned into a warrior.  I guess her own name pick long ago ... "Aivilowarrior" ... should have handed me the clue that she was destined for this great achievement.

I pray for my child and for all the recruits journeying with her - they have now turned a corner to adulthood...turned away from the innocence of youth and embraced a world of knowledge, cold hard facts, and a life where defending our liberties may become a harsh reality.

My heart is swelling with pride yet crumbling with sadness. I love her for all her might, her decision to serve and her perseverance to take this journey. I hope her sweetness will still linger, that the twinkle in her eye still shine, and her amazing creative fun-loving spirit will remain strong as ever.

Good Luck sweet girl ... may you rise to the challenge and shine through the crucible and return a warrior of heart, body and soul.  I am so very proud of you.

88 days...

That is how long marine boot camp takes .. how long it takes to go from recruit to marine.  My sweet daughter participated in the US Marine Corps Delayed Entry program for her entire senior year of high school and this past weekend she swore in and stepped on those famous yellow steps at Parris Island and turned from poolee to recruit.  Now she is in pursuit of earning the coveted title of US Marine.

Earned.. Never Given

The next 88 days will be challenging and incredibly busy.... sending my sweet honey-girl never-ending love and prayers in support every day.

...my Valor essential oil roller will be close by at all times.  This bravery oil will help me focus and keep perspective.  My girl made a choice knowing the rigors and requirements of the toughest branch of the US Military forces.  If she can be brave ... so can I.... even if I will be counting the days until I see her again ;-) 

Season of change...

This summer has been busy and we are only in the beginning of July.

My daughter graduated from high school and went to New York for a senior trip with a friend.  They had a fantastic trip with a small hick up here and there.  They returned with big smiles, energized and full of the excitement that traveling to new places spur on.  Many has said to me that they could not let their daughter go of and do that alone ... but letting go of the reins is what we must do to let them grow, explore and start their independent adulthood - even when it is hard.   I guess I have the benefit of already having experienced her traveling away from home to attend a year of high school abroad.

My biggest challenge is yet to come though.  My rocking awesome girl has been a Poolee in the Marine DEP (Delayed Entry Program) over her senior year of high school.  This has meant extra PT once a week and every third Saturday of the month over the last twelve months.  When the Marine recruiter first called she was a uncertain but agreed to come in to hear more ... by the time she was leaving that first meeting, she was ready to sign-up.  We took the information home for a few days to discuss and digest .. this was new territory.  She enlisted in the DEP and has worked out hard for the last year.  Now we are standing on the threshold of letting her go and taking a big new step forward.  She leaves for boot camp on Sunday with swearing in ceremony on Monday.

I am so extremely proud of her even as my emotions are mixed with trepidation and sadness that I will not get to hear from her or see her over the next 13 weeks of bootcamp and also over events that may unfold over the next many years.  I know my girl is strong and I know she is excited for this challenge.  When she steps on those yellow footsteps and becomes a recruit on Monday, there is no going back.  I know that the Marines will break her down to build her back up and I know she will come back forever changed.  There is a myriad of emotions fighting in my heart - being proud that she is choosing to serve our great country is winning.

For the next few days I will be pouring on the love and hope that she will take every good memory of growing up, family time, senior year, New York fun and so much more with her in her heart to sustain her during the hard times in boot camp.  I love you honey girl ... so much more than you will ever know.  

The day I became a mother...

I love birthdays ...I especially love cake that accompany the celebration ;-)   Today my oldest son turns 20 ... yet I am deprived of cake as he has plans today!

We had a wonderful birthday lunch and did some fun birthday shopping earlier.  I got lots of hugs ... but I could easily have more!  Happy birthday Magnus ~ you bring me so much love and joy and I am so happy to be your mom.   I so clearly remember that first morning after you were born.  Marveling over your little fingers and toes.  Soaking in the bliss of a holding a newborn in my arms and being unable to take my eyes away from you.

I know from my studies in psychology and nursing that pregnancy and birth is one of those special times in our lives that we are most open to change and growth.  That moment a woman becomes a mother  ~ a man becomes a father ~ a family is born ~ is life changing in so many ways.  Your whole being now becomes about more than it ever was before ... I knew instantly that I wanted more children when the time was right.  Now reflecting back I realize how much I took for granted and how fortunate I am to have my four gorgeous kiddos and to have carried three extra special little ones too.

So today I will celebrate the joy I feel in my heart for my sweet birthday boy.  While the cake will have to wait for tomorrow ... I will spend the day remembering that sweet moment of holding my first born for the very first time while I ponder how exactly that was 20 years ago.  It makes me happy and sad all at the same time ... excited to see what the future holds and maybe a little sad to know that my little boy is all grown up with many plans of his own.

Today is for sure one where all the feelings are hitting in my soft spot and where I am keeping my bergamot and peppermint eo roller close by for a little emotional support boost.  But tomorrow ... tomorrow there will be cake!!!

It is May again...

To be a surrogate still fills me with such enormous joy and happiness and pain and sadness all at the same time.  And here it is May again and all the feels hits me right in the gut.  This year sweet N is turning double-digits .. hooray hooray .. sending you lots of happy birthday love.  And J .. my love for you is floating to the sky in soft blue balloons.

I celebrated N&J's birthday by helping another momma give birth.  What a joy and such sweetness to add to the memories of this very special day.  I am collecting as many positive memories on this day as I can to outweigh my sad ones.

Over the years I have gotten better at managing this acute stab that I feel in my heart whenever I think of a birthday that came to early.  Better at setting the wonder of what-ifs aside.  Better at crying maybe a little less as I ruminate in my heart and soul what I could and should have done different.  Learning and knowing from the experience gained from working labor and delivery that these events occur without forewarning and when least expected ...  yet it still hurts.  It reminds me that life is filled with unpredictability and to never take it for granted.  It reminds me that while time flies by and my children grow ever bigger, little footprints still remains so deeply and dearly imprinted in my heart.

I have so much to be grateful for and I am grateful every day.  Some days my heart just need a little time to be sad.  I know better how to handle it .. and yet sometime I just still suck at it.

Happy Birthday Boys!!

Mother's Day joy...

I love love love being a momma and I had a lovely mother's day this year.  Flowers, breakfast, surrounded by all my loves and a phone call with my own mom.  I am so lucky and my heart is filled with gratitude.

I also got to catch up with one special little girl and her family as well.  Miss V ~ you are so gorgeous and smart ... it was so amazing to speak with both you, your brother and your parents.  While we do not speak often, you truly are in my thoughts very frequently.  It was great to hear of your recent adventures and see the workings of your curious minds.. so much life to explore.  Endless opportunities.

My family and my role in making two other families makes my hear smile.

6 years later...

...it still hurts!  Tomorrow is May 13 ... It is N&Js birthday ~ it should not have been!  It was too early! I still think it is unfair, my heart still questions why, and it still hurts.   Yet it is one of the most important days of my life - it is one of my "birth" days and a day that will forever be edged in my heart, mind and soul.

My prayers as I go to bed tonight is that N is doing well.  I pray that tomorrow will be a fabulous day and he will be celebrated surrounded by love and family.  I pray for a happy tomorrow for his family even as I know it will also be bitter sweet.  I pray that the sun will warm J's resting place and that somehow they all know how much love is carried in my heart for all of them.

~~

 ~~ Happy birthday to you sweet boys ~~ 

~~

In these last couple of years, I have borne witness to many wonderful birthing moments.  Watched and cared for mothers, fathers, extended families and their sweet little newborns.  It is always such an honor to be present at a birth.  There is something so sacred and primal in watching the creation of a new family unfold ~ it is magical.  Sadly, I have also borne witness to loss, heartbreak, and seen the shattered pieces of what should have been a family left behind with questions that no one can answer.  Each time I feel my heart scarred by another little jagged edge and each time I hold my breath and remember....and then I move forward and provide the best care and compassion that I can to support these mothers, fathers and families as they stand of the threshold of a life they never imagined.  The loss of dreams, hopes, and family...and then the slow rebuilding and mending of the heart with beautiful scars along the edges representing the love and wonder of what might have been ...

Hip Hip Hooray ~ Miss V is 5 today...

Time flies ... sweet little miss V is turning 5 today - how did that happen!!!!

Wishing a sweet girl a very happy birthday...and birthday wishes to big brother K as well.

I am working on cleaning out old files on my computer this morning and I came across a few pictures of V from when she was very little .. just about the same age as Zola is now.  So cute!!!  Surrogacy is so amazing.  It is truly such a fabulous thing to know that I had a part in creating another family.  I love when I hear and get pictures from them ~ it just makes my heart smile.

Sweet smiles and cooing...

Zola is so sweet!  She is starting to dole out the cutest smile and starting to coo.  I love watching her and giving her tons of kisses every day.  So totally in love.

Hard day...

Today is a bittersweet day.  The sale of our home was final and this is a good thing...but also a sad thing.  I loved my house and I loved everything about living by the beach.  It was house that we build and put our savings and love into.  It held so many many wonderful memories for me and I will miss it a lot. I am already missing opening up my sliding door and listening for the sounds of the ocean.  To stand in the backyard and watching the elk stomp through the wetlands and missing my wonderful neighbors.

The good news is that the bank finally finally gave the ok for a short sale and accepted the purchase price offer in full settlement for the mortgage.  It has taken almost a year to get this negotiated this time around and that is in addition to the 8 months of trying to get it sold when we relocated back to the Midwest a few years ago. 

I wish for lots of happiness and love in "my" home for the new family that is moving in.  I hope that they will love it as much as we did.  They are getting a gem for a steal of a price while financially we will be hurting for a quite a while.  I guess that is the name of the real estate game .. we purchased land and build at the top of the market and the tanking of the real estate market is definitely not doing us any favors.  So I will be thankful for the outcome even if it hurts and makes me cry.

I pray for peace for my heart and acceptance that this was the right thing to do.  That the peace that I always felt from watching the waves and the lull of the wind from standing on the dunes overlooking the ocean will settle in my heart and soul for now and carry me through this difficult time.

Two little letters...

RN!!!!!

I am so excited!!!  It has taken a lot of hard work, sweat and tears to get to this place.  I took my NCLEX exam yesterday and got 75 questions and the exam shut off.  So many things went through my head when the screen went blank and the test was done.

I walked out of the exam thinking about all the things that I did not know...all the questions that I felt like I needed to make an educated guess on.  There is so much stuff to know!!!

Today I got my official notification from the State Board of Nursing and what a blissful email to receive.  I am a nurse....I am a nurse!!!

Next up .. celebratory lunch with the kiddos and a loooongggg snuggle nap with Zola and then a study free weekend!

Work it out...

Slowly!!!! 

I feel so ready to get back into a workout routine and I am starting up slowly.  I feel really great physically and my recovery has been relatively smooth.  The area around my incision line is still pretty numb but this is pretty common for abdominal surgery.  I still also have the burning on the external sides of the internal incision but it is getting better.  I took all my measurements this morning and overall I am actually pretty happy with where I am at this point.  My focus is not so much loosing weight but rather shapening up and rebuilding of muscle.

I have dropped down into the 130s and while my ultimately goal is to get to 125lbs but I know that is not likely to happen until after I finish nursing - which God willing I will be doing for a long time to come.  I love feeding my sweet baby girl.  Breastfeeding provides such a special bond and I feel so fortunate to be able to care for her in this way.  

My goal for now is getting my daily step goal back to 10K a day, make sure that I use my ab glider and to use hand weight for a light upper body workout.  To kick my thighs back into shape I have started doing lunges (will add squats soon) starting with 25 a day and planning to add 5 each day.

Hoping that adding exercise back into my daily routine will yield a little more energy for studying!

The big 4-0...

I turned 40 the other day .... "mom you are so old" said Olivia "are you sure you can blow out ALL those candles?"  ... yup because there were only 2 candles - one with a 4 and one with a 0 ... blowing them out on my cake went just fine ;-)

Two of my friends from nursing school came to visit on my birthday.  It was fun catching up with each of them and lamenting the joys of studying for our final licensing exam.  I feel ready and then I do not feel ready to take it.  I have my appointment scheduled but am debating if I should move it further out to have a bit more time to get ready.  Part of me says NO let's just get it done with and another part of me is worried about not being truly ready and not passing .. I have not have nearly enough study time to get ready as I have spent my time enjoying being back home full time, getting ready for Zola's birth and just having her in our lives.  Sleep deprivation surely is no help either....decisions decisions.

This picture is from my birthday .. this little beauty is keeping me young at heart and my 3 older kiddos sure keeps me running too.  I love all of them so much.  It is very fascinating to observe the bigger children's approach and beginning relationship with Zola.  They are all so different but they all love her in their own way - it is very sweet and endearing.

 Then again how can you not just love this little face - I just want to squeeze and love her .. and take naps with her ... LOL

2 weeks check-ups...

Two weeks of feeling absolutely blessed by our sweet little miracle.  Zola is such a joy to me and I just love her so much.

She had her 2-week pediatrician appointment today to make sure she is growing well and to complete the second blood draw for the newborn screening panel.  I hate that they had to poke her little heel but at least I could nurse her before the poke and right after to minimize her pain.  She cried a little bit ... but she was much more mad about getting undressed for her trip to the scale.

I know that my sweet little baby is gonna grow and pack on the jelly rolls before we know it!  She was 6 lbs 5 oz at birth and at her first pediatrician appointment at 4 days of age she was down to 5 lbs 12 oz ... well today she is back above birth weight at at whopping 6 lbs 14 oz.  That is just over a pound in 10 days ... that is crazy!!!  And she has grown 1 1/4 inch since birth too.  I love that she is doing well .. but she can slow down just a little as I am not done with my newborn snuggles just yet!

I had my 2-week post c-section check-up yesterday.  Thankfully I was able to schedule an appointment with a clinic here in Eugene as opposed to having to drive all the way to Portland for my postpartum check ups.  I made sure that they clinic had forwarded my records from this pregnancy and from my last delivery .. the new OB was a bit overwhelmed with the 1 inch stack of paperwork that came in!!!  I am wondering what exactly they sent down. 

Anyway my check-up was good as well.  My incision is healing nicely although I still have some burning pain on the side of the internal suture line.  The OB said it is likely to be nerve pain and it will take a bit for it to away.

Two great two week follow-ups ... we are happy and doing really well :-)

Keeping fingers crossed for weight gain...

My baby girl is two weeks old today .. two weeks ago at this time we were checking into the hospital with such sweet anticipation of meeting our precious little girl.  I am just loving every moment of having her - she is so sweet and wonderful and the perfect addition to our family.

Zola has her 2-week pediatrician visit today and I am excited to see how much weight she has gained.  She is a really good eater but does not always want to eat a whole lot in one setting ... rather do small meals more frequently!  It have been following her feeding cues completely during these first few weeks as I want to make sure to build a good milk supply for her and be certain that she is satisfied.  With her being born at 37 weeks, I know it will take a bit longer than usually to get her feedings spaced more out time wise.  If she is gaining a good amount of weight, I am going to start trying to hold her off about 3 hours in between feedings where right now it is every 2-3 hours that she eats.

Feeling very alone...

I miss my momma ... she left too early.  She got angry, got her feelings hurt...and we got into a conflict that was just not solvable.  Sitting here I just do not understand how this situation could unravel as quickly as it did. 

My mother, who I love dearly, has a temper (...and yes I have inherited part of that lovely temper along with a good portion of stubbornness as well) and at times she can be a bit difficult to deal with.  Most of the time, I feel pretty capable of diffusing situations as they occur...but this time I have been under an extreme amount of stress and pressure from being in school for the last 15 months, living away from home most of the time, being pregnant, and then just recently having gone through my c-section birth and still being on pain medications .. I guess being sleep deprived by being up with a newborn at all times of the night just did not leave a lot of left over in my patience for dealing with nonsense and silliness. I know she is under a level of stress when she is here visiting as she is not in her home controlled environment and do not always understand everything that goes on...still I guess I expected a little more acceptance of my stress and tiredness in terms of her unspoken needs and demands.

I was wrong I guess, I should somehow have paid more attention to her needs and feelings but I just did not have the extra capacity to do so.  I wish I had had more foresight to diffuse this situation, to somehow have made her stay.  To make her un-angry and stay here if not for me then for her grandchildren who were so confused about her sudden departure.  It all makes me sad - she was supposed to be here with me but instead she left with her pride held high and determined that I should get no satisfaction from having her stay here with us.

I sought no satisfaction from winning an argument with her and her words of anger burn my heart as I am sure some of the things that I said must burn in hers.  I do no know what the future holds for our relationship and I sit here with a broken heart over her leaving and just wished she would have stayed.

Instead I sit here alone and she has returned back home at a great added expense.  It makes me so incredibly sad and so very upset that I was not worth enough to her to set aside her pride and work through our misunderstanding and differences.  At least I know that she is home safe and that provides some comfort...still I would prefer that she was here with me instead of half the world away.

Zola Simone...

We had a heck of a time coming up with just the right name this time.  As time has gone by many suggestions were made and many names considered but they were not quite right.  I love the name Zola Simone ~ Zola means peaceful and quiet in Zulu and my sweet girl has brought both peacefulness and quietness to my heart.  

Zola Simone

9/4/14

 6 lbs 5 oz

18 inches tall

This pregnancy was a surprise to us but turned out to be such a source of comfort, love and a very healing journey for me.  Zola is just the sweetest baby and I just cannot get enough of looking at her and snuggling with her.

I knew from the very beginning that I would need a c-section due to my last delivery with the twins and I knew that it was likely to be scheduled on the earlier side to prevent me from going into normal labor.

As each week of the pregnancy progressed I fell more and more in love with my sweet little princess.  As we reached the halfway point I was nervous especially up to the 26-week point when I delivered last time.  But sweet Zola stayed put and continued to grow.  I then prayed like crazy for her to stay put all the way through my summer clinical rotation … and she did – she is so amazing!

On 8/29 I finished my nursing school program and must say that I looked mighty pregnant crossing that stage and I felt elated listening to my name be called and so proud to have completed the program despite many odds and challenges.

On 9/4 ~ 37 weeks on the nose ~ hubby and I checked into the hospital just before 8:00 AM and got all settled in.  Most of the paperwork had been completed at my pre-admission appointment so it was all settled and ready to go.  The nurse who placed my IV was a bit messy and I ended up with blood everywhere.  She then hung my IV fluids that were cold – in minutes I was totally freezing and chilled as the fluids were running at a pretty high flow.  She then did my cleaning prep with COLD cloths chilling me down even further – I swear if I ever work in L&D, pre-warming is going to be part of my practice.  Anyways at around 10:30 I walked over to the OR and got my spinal.  It went well and I went numb and tingly from my ribcage down – it is such a weird feeling.  You go numb but do not loose the sensation of movement and tugging and I could see some of what the docs were doing in the light above the bed.  Rio then joined me in the operating room.  It was so wonderful having him present with me - last time with the twins I was all alone and scared.  This time was so different and having him with me to hold my hand was just what I needed.

Upon cutting me open, they found quite a few adhesions which is fairly typical when you have had prior abdominal surgery.  It took a little time to cut through to my uterus and required extra care-taking on behalf of the surgeon especially as some were attached to my bladder.  As I was laying there nervously awaiting the birth and wishing to hear her cries, I felt the tugging feeling of getting sweet Zola out of me and I completely teared up when I heard her little cries ~ it was music to my ears. 

The baby was handed to the recess nurse and I could see her from the OR table.  She was so greasy and covered in a thick layer of vernix.  She had to be suctioned a few times but did overall very well and within 7 or so minutes she was on my chest.  I got to hold her and breastfeed her right there on the OR table which was just wonderful.

Zola was born at 11:13 AM and within the hour I was back in recovery.  Everyone kept asking about her name but we had yet to decide!  So she was baby girl for most of my hospital stay.  I really wanted to name her Zola Simone.  We both agreed on Simone but Rio still needed some time to think.  Zola means peaceful and quiet in Zulu and for me she and this pregnancy has brought peace and quiet to my heart and has helped me heal some wound that I never thought would.  She is such a blessing and my love for her is just indescribable.  She is the perfect compliment to our wonderful bigger children.

During the initial hours of recovery I got quite a bit of fluids.  I was moved to the mother baby unit mid-afternoon and stayed there through Sunday.  Recovery was pretty good overall.  Friday afternoon was the worst.  My lunch did not agree with me and I needed IV anti nausea meds and IV morphine to stop my vomiting and get pain back under control.

Rio stayed with me through Friday evening and then went back home to get a good night sleep.  He brought the big kids and my mom to visit on Saturday and then he returned again Sunday for my discharge.  In addition I had a few other visitors during my stay and it was just lovely to see familiar faces spread throughout the days in the hospital. 

 

Zola Simone is now 9 days old and she is doing fantastic.  She is a great eater and my milk supply is sufficient to keep her happy.  I am starting to pump a bit during a few feedings a day to get some milk supply build up in the freezer.  I am feeling pretty good too.  My pain is decreasing and I have started to cut down on the pain meds and the stretch between needing to take them is getting longer.  The scale is also finally starting to reflect a weight loss.  When I left the hospital I was only down a couple of pounds which seems impossible considering she was a 5 + pound baby and adding in the loss of placenta and blood etc my loss seemingly should be more.  However, I received quite a bit of fluids and I can tell that now a week later my body is starting to let go of some of the excess and as of today I am down about 10 lbs from delivery.

I am totally in love and enjoy every moment that I spent with her.  I love watching the big kids beginning their relationship with her – it will be such a special bond for each of them.  It was also wonderful to have my mother here with me during this time.  She took great care of the big children while I was in the hospital and she was wonderful during my first few days at home.  Unfortunately, she decided to leave early – but that is a whole different story.

 

For now I am just grateful for the miracle of life that Zola is.  I am soaking up her sweet baby features and plan to enjoy every moment fully before I have to return to work.

A visit cut short...

Way back when we first found out we were expecting I learned that my due date was on my mother's birthday.  It was such a sweet thing to share with her...to tell her that I had a great present for her but that she would need to come here to enjoy it.


She planned a trip to come and stay for both graduation, Zola's birth and both of our birthdays.  I was so excited to have her come and celebrate some life changing moments with me.  A new career, a new baby and turning 40 ~ lots of changes all in one month.

She arrived a few days before graduation and well today she left.  Way short of her expected stay date.  Her anger and discontentment had been brewing for a few days and I got mad too and was unable to rectify the situation.  So she simply packed her suitcase and walked out the door and left.  She was supposed to be here with me and instead she left....with the words that she was never ever ever coming back to visit me again.

I am heart broken - I really wanted to share this time in my life with her but I guess it was just not meant to be.  I feel like I have lost again .. and this time it was someone very very dear to me.  I am just not sure how it all happened so fast and why she could not see through her anger and stay.

I am so completely in love...

Our little girl is so amazing and wonderful.  I just cannot get tired of looking at and holding her.  She is so sweet.

We were not planning to expand our family post surrogacy and when baby girl surprised us, it took a little time for the news to settle in but once it did, joy has permeated my heart, mind and soul.

My pregnancy has been wonderful but the fear of an early delivery and another loss crossed my mind many many times. Some of these thoughts were especially present as I passed through June and July and all the marking days for N&J's delivery and litte J's passing.   The last several weeks leading up to 26 weeks +3 days were a little nerve wrecking as all the "what if's" were lurking in the back of my head .. each day past that point was a gift of growth for our little baby girl.  

In addition, every day she stayed put below my heart while I finished nursing school was a victory.  I did worry that she would come early and somehow different plans would need to be made with respect to finishing school.  But she did it - she stayed put!!!  Graduation date was 8/29 and she was delivered at 37 weeks just a week later.  

Every day of this pregnancy I was thinking of my sweet twinkie surro boys and little N's early gathering of angel wings.  I will always be grateful for surrogacy and I will always be grateful for having felt the extra love of three sweet babies below my heart ... even as one is soaring with angels.  With that said, Baby girl has healed my heart in so many ways and the amazing joy that I feel in my heart is amplified by the gratitude I feel for this pregnancy and the blessing that true surprises can bring along.  I am just beyond grateful for having her come into our lives.

Having baby girl has given me a closure that I did not realize I needed.  Being a gestational surrogate will always be a big part of me and something that I am proud off.  Life is not perfect but the miracle of life even when held briefly within our hands is pure perfection.