I will be turning my pump back into the hospital on Tuesday. My little yellow pump has been my steady companion over the last 3 1/2 months regardless of where I have been. It has been a little yellow rock during some very difficult days.
Over the last couple of weeks I have slowed my pumping schedule from five times per day to four to three. My goal for today is to see if I can make do with just two sessions. Although my milk production has gone down, my body needs to adjust and as I have no desire do to be miserable, slowly weaning off the pump is a good way to go.
A benefit of stopping to pump is six plus hours of sleep in one stretch. It feels incredible!!! Although I feel ready to be done pumping, I do find my self quite emotional about it and maybe not completely ready anyway. It is a process and it is a feeling of letting go. It has been a good part of my ongoing healing. I only wish for the very best for Little N and knowing that shipping off the milk in my freezer will keep him well fed for the next couple of months feels really good.
I have been so incredible blessed to have been able to pump for little N until now. It can be difficult to exclusively pump especially when there is no baby to stimulate the milk production. Often when I sit down to pump, I look at pictures of both the babies and let my thoughts roam free. This morning I awoke thinking of the L and N&J and I think I was dreaming of little J. I felt very sad ... it is hard to explain but I just had a rush of emotions flood over me and sometimes I wonder if this will ever stop. Loosing a little one, even if you gain an angel, is just not fair.
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