Sunday, August 28, 2011

My little yellow companion...

I will be turning my pump back into the hospital on Tuesday.  My little yellow pump has been my steady companion over the last 3 1/2 months regardless of where I have been.  It has been a little yellow rock during some very difficult days.

Over the last couple of weeks I have slowed my pumping schedule from five times per day to four to three.  My goal for today is to see if I can make do with just two sessions.  Although my milk production has gone down, my body needs to adjust and as I have no desire do to be miserable, slowly weaning off the pump is a good way to go.

A benefit of stopping to pump is six plus hours of sleep in one stretch.  It feels incredible!!!   Although I feel ready to be done pumping, I do find my self quite emotional about it and maybe not completely ready anyway.  It is a process and it is a feeling of letting go.  It has been a good part of my ongoing healing.  I only wish for the very best for Little N and knowing that shipping off the milk in my freezer will keep him well fed for the next couple of months feels really good. 

I have been so incredible blessed to have been able to pump for little N until now.  It can be difficult to exclusively pump especially when there is no baby to stimulate the milk production.   Often when I sit down to pump, I look at pictures of both the babies and let my thoughts roam free.  This morning I awoke thinking of the L and N&J and I think I was dreaming of little J.  I felt very sad ... it is hard to explain but I just had a rush of emotions flood over me and sometimes I wonder if this will ever stop.  Loosing a little one, even if you gain an angel, is just not fair.


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