3 months ago today...

My official due date is just three days away but exactly 3 months and 3 hours ago I gave birth to the twins via emergency c-section.  I am still sad that my pregnancy ended so suddenly.  Time has passed and I feel much much better emotionally but the loss of something undone and never to be finished still lingers and have left a little hole in my heart. 

The ending to my pregnancy for L&J was just not the way it should have been.  So much pain and sorrow took the place of all the happiness and joy we all had dreamed off.  Knowing that I will never again lay my eyes on sweet little J or ever get to hear his little voice just hurts so much - he was such a beautiful little boy.  I know that healing will continue to take time and hope that with time the joy of little N will overshadow the sorrow and leave us all with beautiful memories of little J . 

I also hope that I will continue to hear updates from L&J.   Sadly I represent a very difficult time in their lives ~ a time so jumbled with both joy and so much sadness ~ and although we agreed to stay in touch, I am afraid that the strain of the loss may make their desire to do so less than had the outcome of our journey been different.  L&J are wonderful people and adoring parents and I just hope that our friendship, spurred from the dreams of bringing a baby into their lives, can survive the loss and test of adversity that we have all gone through.  

Although I am still pumping for N, I do not hear from them as much as I had hoped for.  However, I am trying not to feel needy or expect too much as I know they are busy settling in and that N has many follow-up appointments to keep them running.  That being said, I do treasure every update I get from L as well as the occasional pictures - it always makes me very happy to see him and hear about how N and the rest of the family is doing! 

I truly wish that we will remain in contact for many years to come...but more than anything I wish that little N will grow big, strong and healthy....happy 3 month day my little sweet surro child - I hope you are having a good day today.