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Saturday, May 14, 2011

All wrong...

My heart is trying to reconcile wrong and right ... and let me tell you that it is dang hard. How can everything be going so right and then BAM ... a 180 degree turn and things are heading down the total wrong path.

This last week was a great week - I felt great, the babies were moving lots - I ate well and got plenty of rest. But Thursday will be a day that I will relive in thoughts over and over again wondering if I had just done something different maybe Friday would not have turned like it did.

Thursday I got the house ready for pictures but made sure to take plenty of breaks as the photographer was not scheduled until 4PM. At 6 PM I took Sebastian to T-ball practice and had two parents help out with practice, and then I took Magnus to his sports physical .. not really a day with anything out of the ordinary. But now I am trying to replay the day over and over in my head to see if I should have done something differently .. but I cannot come up with anything and it makes me feel so powerless.

After we came back from Magnus' sports physical, I did feel a couple of braxton hicks contractions that felt a bit odd - but again not anything to make me worried. I thought maybe I had not drank enough water as it had been a somewhat busy day. So I drank some extra water and sat down while cooking and then headed to the couch after we had dinner. I went to bed early about 10ish and although I did wake up quite a bit to go the bathroom, I figured this was directly related to all the extra water I drank before going to bed.

At 5 AM I woke up with a contraction - it felt somewhat out of the ordinary. I went to the bathroom but fluids were clear and no mess on the paper. I went back to bed to just sit and decided that I was going to call Dr. E's office just to get her thoughts on the contractions. Well at about 6 AM, I went back to the bathroom and there was blood in the bowl and more when I wiped. And I got scared....quickly I called the hospital and asked what I should do and they said for me to come in. I woke up the kids and I am so proud of my two big ones as they worked together to get Sebastian ready for school, and get the dogs feed and walked and everyone on the bus in time without me home.

Before it was 7AM, I was heading to the hospital and had called L&J to let them know what was going on as well. I felt a couple of more contractions but nothing that seemed major and I did not attribute it to real labor contractions just yet. When I got to the hospital, I was hooked up to the contraction monitor and had an ultrasound. At this time the babies both looked good, their bags of waters were intact and the placentas looked good and they were trying to determine the cause of bleeding. I was given Magnesium to stop the contractions and a steroid shot to help mature the babies lungs in the event of early delivery. A million thoughts were running through my head but mostly that this is way to early for these babies to make their arrival. I was feeling a bit off due to the Magnesium and trying to get my bearings on everything going on - it just seemed so surreal.

My contractions slowed somewhat down from the Magnesium but they did not stop. A decision was made to transfer me to Emanual Hospital in Portland as they have a NICU capable of handling preemies ... I still did not think we were going to have babies. But of I went in an ambulance with full siren - it all felt very surreal. By this time L&J had decided to fly up which was incredible comforting to know - I think we all hoped that labor would be stalled and I would go on bedrest...unfortunately that is not what happened. I arrived at Emanuel and more ultrasounds and evaluations were done. I was given a stronger dose of Magnesium but it still do not stop the contractions. The the babies still looked good and I guess I still hoping that this was not it. I was not ready for this to be over and for these little boys to be born... but I began to feel sick and like I had to throw up and I knew this was a tell tale sign of being close to transition to me. Shortly there after the doctors did a speculum exam and it was confirmed that Baby A's bag water was bulging through my fully dialated cervix and that delivery would be happening soon.

L&J were on the flight at this time and it was so hard for me to send them the text message telling them that we were prepping for C-section. I know that was the message that they wanted to see first thing when they got off the plane. At this time, I felt so out of it, so disappointed in my own body and everything was just moving so fast.

I was prepped for the c-section and I just could not stop crying. Baby A's placenta had started to abrupt which is not a good thing and delivery was the only option. But still it just seemed all wrong. And although the doctors all told me that it not my fault and there was nothing I did to cause this to happen, it is still hard not to feel a loss of something gone wrong.

I am not ready to not be pregnant anymore. I am not ready to not feel these little baby boys move around in my belly. It is hard having some end too soon... and I know that I will be dealing with all these emotions for while to come.

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