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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Taking time...

Healing takes time both physically and emotionally. My physical recovery from the surgery is going well and I have been able to manage my pain mostly with over-the-counter medication. My external incision was done as a bikini line cut and it is laying really low on my tummy. I have some minor pain right around the outer edges and can feel a somewhat hard line right along the incision, but it looks good and seems to have healed very well. My internal incision is a classic c-section cut or also known as a vertical cut. The vertical cut is most often used for emergency c-sections including premature deliveries. It will be a bit before my stomach muscles will come completely together again. I have some isometric exercises that are safe to do and I will just have to be patient and let the healing take the time is needs. I go to see Dr. E on Thursday for my 2-week post surgery check-up - hopefully everything will look good and I will be cleared to drive again. As of today I am have lost 16 pounds since I delivered the babies...at any other point in my life, I would be ecstatic to see the number on the scale head South .. but right now, every little part of me wishes that I was still pregnant and the number was heading North instead.

I wish I felt as good emotionally as I do physically. All the pregnancy hormones racing around in my body combined with all the emotional stress of early delivery is creating a bit havoc. I am trying to feel good but sometimes I just don't...not right now anyway. Really it comes and goes - I have good moments and then I have really sad moments. I know that it is just part of it and I am working my way through all these emotions and coming to terms with how quickly and abruptly my journey ended. It will be a process...and it feels like a difficult one right now. I know that that the sun is out there through the clouds somewhere and eventually I will be fine .. but I expect that until I know that the boys will be well and can go home safely this will be struggle.

After delivering V, I felt so complete and accomplished...I felt wonderful knowing that I helped complete a family. This time everything is so different. I delivered two sweet little boys who will no doubt be treasured by their parents and family ... but I did not get all of "my time" with them. I was not ready to let them go - they were not done being cared for by me.

I call the NICU on most days to check in on the boys and see how they are doing...it helps hearing new from there and makes me glad to know when they are having a good day. Hearing of difficulties are hard and I just pray that the amazing doctors and NICU staff at Emanuel will work their magic in getting N&J to grow big and strong.

Yesterday it was time for Rio to go back to Wisconsin. He has been my rock this last week and I will miss so much. Soon we will all be joining him in Marshfield but for now I look forward to his visit home in June. A good friend drove us to Portland, while taking Rio to the airport, I went to visit the boys and drop off milk for them.

J was doing really well and he is gaining weight and his feedings are going up. N was having some trouble with keeping up his oxygen saturation and was breathing a bit to rapidly for any ones comfort. Putting in the pic line was tough on him and hopefully he will get back to feeling better soon. L&J were not there and I was sad to have missed them both. L had gone home to see their other children and J had stepped out for a needed break from the NICU. I know it must be so difficult for them to see their little boys laying there and fighting so hard to get bigger.

I left a basket for L&J with goodies for them and the babies...I filled it with some cute little preemie outfits, blankets, stuffed animals and goodies that I hope will bring a little joy to them all - they are all so dear to my heart.

This is all still so new and I still struggle to understand why I was "robbed" of the remaining of my pregnancy experience. I am just hurt that everything ended way to soon. I guess I am a little angry that I could not love on N&J for much longer than I did. It is hard to accept, that the time I thought I still had, was to be ripped away way too soon.

I feels like being cheated out of the last piece of my pregnancy. I was not ready for this to be the end but I am slowing coming to terms with a new status quo. Every day, I pray for a good day for the sweet little boys who resided under my heart for too short a time. They are never far from my thoughts and they will always own a piece of my heart.

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