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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Just a little more time...

All these rainy days are getting to me....I am so ready for some sun and cheery weather.  I am really happy about doing the 5K on Sunday.  It has given me something to focus on for me and make sure that I get out of the house for a run (other than chasing the kids ;-) on most days...total bonus is that my scale is co-operating too and heading southbound! 

A Facebook post the other day got me thinking about time (and yes I have been spending way too much time on the computer ... did I mention that it has been raining and raining and raining!!!).  It made me reflect on how I use my time and got me thinking about the choices we make in life.  How do we know that we make the right decisions and how often do we wish that we made a different one...or maybe not truly a different one but just that the circumstances were a little bit different.

Do you ever have those days where you wish things were just a little bit different .. that you could go back in time or stop time for just a little while?  I sure do ... while I think that I have gotten better at using my time well instead of wasting it (ok ok ... spending endless time on the computer after the kids go to bed being hooked on some netflix series is probably not so well spent but I digress)... I know there is always room for improvement.

Running has given me even more time to think.  It gives me a solid 20 minutes to just think and plan...some days I try to really "just get out of my head" and and focus on my run ... but it seems that my brain will just not turn off!

The last few days, I have been thinking about and missing my dad a great deal.  I still cannot hear his voice in my head and I miss it.  I wish I had just a little more time with him .. wishing that our last time together was not so filled with sadness and difficulty understanding each other.   I would give much to hear his voice again and to see his smile.  I look at pictures and see my dad.  But my mental image of him is from after his stroke and his face is not truly my dad's .. while I do feel lucky that he Skyped me the day before his stroke, it makes me sad that our conversation was ever so brief.   He had just installed Skype and I remember him saying how happy he was to now be able to Skype me whenever he wanted ... we quickly rang off as we were both busy but little did we both know that this would be both his first and last time to Skype me.   Had I known that, I would have spent all day on the computer with him!  But alas somethings were not meant to be... I just hope some day, my memory of his voice will be unlocked in my brain and I will be able to recollect both his smiling face and the sound of his voice.

Of course no one can go back in time... no one can stop it even ever so briefly.  We can only make the best choice at any given point in time.  Time will continue to fly by and tomorrow all we can do is linger in the memories of today.   I find myself thinking a lot about what memories I leave with my children.  I try to give them freely all the time they want and need (and more so than they really want as evidenced by grouchy pre-teens who really do not always want to spent time with mom but rather be out with friends or "waste" time on the computer...just like mom!)... hoping that many happy moments are being lodged deep within them like little treasures to one day be unraveled when they have just a little time to sit quietly and remember what once were.

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